Confession

She said: I hoped [you hadn't been attending church] because of me.

I said (something to the effect of): It wasn't just because of that. I was tired, burnt out, and needed a break.

I lied. Rather, I disguised the truth because I didn't want her to feel guilty. It was 100% because of how things went down with her. I was tired of being rejected, burnt out because I put so much of myself into getting up the nerve to approach her only to have it all vanish into smoke, and needed a break from seeing her and having 15 years of uninterrupted rejections brought to mind. If things had happened differently, I'd still be happily attending.

But they didn't.

I just needed to get that out of my system. But since the only mercy I would ask for with any hope of an answer if I had any desire to talk to God would be that I never see, speak to, or hear of her again I'm in no hurry to say it directly, however petty I am about such things.