...And Guest

I appreciate the thought, really. Putting "Mr. David Schmidt and Guest" on the invitation lets me be assured that I can bring my significant other to their wedding. It is a courtesy, for those who would otherwise wonder if they should invite the Guest. But for me, it's just another reminder of something I really do try not to think about.

There's a dessert social for the "Couples Connection" at my church a week from Saturday. They're trying to make it more inclusive, extending it beyond married folk to those who are dating, engaged, or have been married for a long time. Even "former couples, who aren't in a couple at the moment," according to Jose. When someone tries to broadly define a group to involve as many people as possible, yet you're still excluded from the definition, it heightens the awareness of not-belonging.

And to top it off the Bible Study I've been attending with an eye towards joining on a more permanent basis when it becomes a church (while maintaining the most wiggle room possible) has moved to a park. Two blocks from her house. Funny? Ironic? Observe how very hard I'm not laughing.

Some days, it seems as though God is deliberately jabbing the same pointed stick into my face over and over and over. It really, really isn't funny. I'm trying to deal with the fact that my life won't go in the direction I hoped it would six months ago. I'm trying to accept that, change the things I can, and move on. I'm trying to let the hurt, frustration, and sense of betrayal I feel from God sink into the background. This is hard- I've never been one to let go of things easily. Trying to do so while being constantly reminded of what I'm trying to very hard to forget (at least on a day-to-day basis) is much harder, and may very well be impossible. Maybe it builds character. If character is defined as the size of the hole I'd like to punch in my wall, then I suppose it does.