Inertia

I remember studying Inertia in Physics classes in both high school and college. I know we had to learn several formulas for the calculation of the moment of inertia for various objects.

I wonder why it is that inertia seems to be true in life, as well. As far as I can tell, there is no way that formulas relating mass, velocity and the human spirit could be solved. And yet everyone knows that once you begin doing something regularly, it becomes easier and easier to do it, and it often takes something to make you stop. The reverse is also true, when nothing is happening, that begets nothing happening.

Perhaps the reason I am single (either as a cause, or as a result) is that I have trouble expressing love, not just to women Iwas attracted to and had known for ages, but to anyone. I have trouble being open, being vulnerable. It affects my friendships, because this causes me to be distant from people. It affects my Christian walk, because disappointment with God leads me into emotional shutdown. But what upsets me the most is that it affects my relationship with my family. I love them all. But I can't bring myself to get close. I want to, and yet I don't. Why?

Perhaps it is that I feel like a far from perfect son. My degree was a dead end, wasting the talent that I was blessed with as a child. Where the men my age that I know and could use as a benchmark are universally married, pursuing jobs that they could stick with for their lives, with the requisite career advancement, with half owning their own homes already, I live in an apartment, have never been on a date and am stuck in a go-nowhere job. And yet, in the only category that I know counts in the end, I find myself unable to give my dad a hug and say I love him. I want to, and yet I don't. Why?

Forgive me for the introspective jaunt the last couple days. This, in particular, is something that so dominates my thinking tonight that I cannot begin to think of anything else. I doubt that it is of interest to anyone else, but that's why you can just skip to another post.