Self Revelation

At what point does one say too much? How long ago did I pass it? How much of your innermost self do you dare reveal in a public forum? Opening yourself up is dangerous. We tend to live protected lives, with a public and a private face. Perhaps this is a good thing, perhaps not. I suspect it is a balance we need to strike.

I pour out my heart here because I am tired of the strict dichotomy. I want to be me, free from the shackles of what is expected of me. When I feel passionate about something I want to show it. When I'm angry, hurt, confused, or rejoicing, I want to share it.

A sound guy I work with at the church noticed this in public, too. "Dave, you've been sharing a whole lot recently. Is something up?" I suppose something is. I am filled with the sense of becoming an adult. I have a career, a job track I could follow for a decade. I live on my own, and feel like my apartment is home. I increasingly spend weekends and holidays doing chores (dishes, cleaning, and other things I miss during the week).

Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be married. Reasons? Vast and I don't feel like going through them. Regular readers know the great frustrations I've gone through recently just trying to talk to a girl, and barring a turnaround beyond my horizon I don't see a great deal of success awaiting me there.

If marriage proves beyond me, then the next major life event for me may be retirement. I may move, or change jobs, but the details will remain largely the same. I find myself looking at the next thirty years, with no idea what's coming. Frankly, it scares me. Will I always feel that moment of private sadness when a happy couple is fawning over their new baby? When will I be able to go to a wedding without coming home and curling up in a ball on my bed in the cold, dark room? Mostly, will I always be lonely, or will something appear to fill that void?

I write because I don't know. It feels good to let the world know that I have no idea what's going on. Maybe it will inspire others to pray for me. Maybe it's just a reminder that I'm around. I may only have anxiety, frustration, and the suavity of a high school freshman, but it's me. I have fears, hopes, dreams, and see them realized or not as life goes on. I don't want to be a summary of a person. "That's Dave, he's smart."

What if she were to read this? What would she see? Would she be flattered, to know that she inspires such deep feelings? Would she be scared, fearing a crazy or obsessed person? Would she see me, or just another caricature? I really don't know. Many things depend greatly on the perspectives of other people. A heartstruck man may be romantic hero, pathetic loser, or crazy villan depending on the perspective of the observer.

I have tried to be honest. Many statements are made still unsettled from the events that precipitated them. Maybe this reveals more about me than I intend, maybe it distorts the picture. This is but another thing I do not know, but things I don't know is a multi-volume reference set, and I am getting tired.