Questions

Some of the questions that keep me tossing and turning:

When she decided to say no, was it an instantaneous reaction like sheer revulsion, or did she at least think about it. If she thought about it, what made her decide to say it?

Am I meant to be single? Most women turn tail and run should I suggest that I might be interested. Those that don't usually just want something out of me (help with math homework, a guy around at the hardware store so the salesman doesn't try to take advantage of her, or the occasional hand moving heavy things).

Having let her know how I feel, how do I look her in the eye again. I remember with a tightness in my chest every time I've been rejected. With women where I was testing the waters, and only felt sort of casually rejected, I can get along sociably and hopefully not show the twinge in my gut. But when I poured all of me into the hope that things might work out, can I look at her and see anything but another girl who wanted absolutely nothing to do with me?

"It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, it's who you are on the inside that counts" & "If she only knew how much you care for her, I don't know how it wouldn't melt he heart." They aren't questions, , but they stick in my craw. I let myself believe it. My bad. It was the well-intentioned advice of a guy about to get married, who is allowed to believe that dreams can come true. The truth is at the outset, it only matters what you look like on the outside, the sort of person you are is only judged after the initial attraction is formed, and if she doesn't like you to begin with, knowing that you'd give the world for her only hardens her heart toward you. No one wants to believe it, but it is utterly true.