Antisocial

Please forgive me if I seem rather distant for the immediate future. I have yet to know for sure how she has taken my invitation to go ice skating, but I have no confidence remaining at this point. A week to think about it has been plenty of time to consider how every other girl I've expressed an interest in has reacted, and there's nothing encouraging there. It started the moment she said she couldn't go. Had I some reserve of confidence at that point, I suppose I'd have tried to continue the conversation, if only to be careful to guard how that news really hit me, but looking back, I ended the conversation pretty hastily.

A week also gave me time to reflect on the words that helped give me the confidence to call her in the first place. Normally, I don't believe such things. Dreams don't come true, and at least initially, what you look like on the outside is at least as important, if not much more so, than who you are on the inside. As a veteran "nice guy," I can say that the "it's who you are on the inside that matters" crowd probably has the luxury of being at least passably attractive. I'm not saying they are lying, just probably deluded. But I allowed myself to believe that it might be true. Now it's like those words were a crystal cup holding what confidence I could muster, now shattered and empty, leaving shards of failed hope embedded inside me.

What's left? On Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, I see four possible outcomes. One, she avoids going to the services she had initially planned on attending. Interpretation: she's avoiding me. This is a likely and painful result. Being avoided says "the thought of you asking me out is so repugnant that even seeing you at church will make me incredibly uncomfortable." Two, she shows up, but I don't talk to her at all or have any basis to judge how she responds. Possible, but I do intend to try and be friendly so I can see where she stands, so not likely. Three, she is there, and we interact, and it is clear that she is uncomfortable talking to me. Still painful, because it would be the final rejection. Less painful than the first possibility because at least she isn't running and hiding, just uninterested. Four, she goes, we interact, and her reaction is either neutral or positive. Highly unlikely, but I admit that I don't know the future. It could happen, I'm just ocnvinced it won't.

In the meantime, I'll probably stay in bed most of the day. I took it off, even though I already knew she would be too busy to do something with me because I knew I'd be brooding all day. I'd much rather be able to do so in private. I'll probably mark the time with what I had intended to do all day if things went the way I'd hoped (this is when I intended to get ready, this is when I would have left to pick her up, this is when we'd be skating, this is when we'd hit a coffee shop for something warm to drink afterwards, this is when I'd drop her off and thank her for a wonderful day).

I just remembered Valentine's day is coming up reasonably soon. I suppose I won't be sending her flowers this year. I did so twice in the past, anonymously, hoping to encourage her and let her know she's special on a day when singles can easily feel anything but. Bad idea? Probably, and I don't need you to tell me so. It's amazing how something that seems so romantic in a movie seems like such a bad idea in real life. After the first time, I overheard her asking a friend who could have sent them. A lady from the church? Another girl her age? "It must have been a guy," she concluded. I sometimes wonder if she ever got close to the truth.