It's just been one of those days. I think the rain has me unusually down, because while I like the rain, I see it is an unfortunate circumstance keeping me from going camping this weekend. So I get to go from doing something I love to hanging around the house doing nothing.
Ordinarily, I like doing nothing. I keep busy enough much of the time that I like to just chill. But the past couple months, I've felt even lonlier than normal. Given that I'm usually pretty lonely as it is, this is a noticeable dip. And on the rare occasion that the chance to do something comes up, I often decline it. There's a part of me that resents the "my wife has other plans, do you want to do something" approach. I understand where it comes from, and I'd do the same if the roles were reversed. It still sucks.
There's been a spat of birthdays at work, which means going to the conference room at about 10:00 am, having some sort of sugary treat, and politely chatting for 15-20 minutes. Most coworkers, being older than I, talk about their kids, their spouses, and the like. I hope that sports comes up. Otherwise, I got nothing to say. A spouse, kids, and a house for all of us are my three big goals in life. I have a job and a car, which would probably round out 4 and 5 on the list, but the big three seem unobtainable.
I currently first see the sun in the mornings about 75% of the way to work, and it gets later every day. The end of Daylight Savings time would change that, but I hope to move to a 7-4 schedule and use the time shift to help me make that adjustment. When I get home, there's maybe 30 minutes of sunlight left. But I do have a window with a view, so I see the sun during the day.
It's the holiday season. That always gets me pretty down. Valentine's Day, Easter, Birthday and October-January. I love my family. I just thought by this time in my life, I'd be on my way to having one of my own. And it doesn't help that some of the most discouraging memories I have in romantic pursuits fall during this time of year.
But mostly, it's been very vivid memories of past rejection. The sort of memories that in aggregate, lead to a very depressing "who did you think you were kidding?" If I had ever had anything close to success with women, maybe I could hold on to some hope. All I have managed to be is at best a good friend that gets to hear all about how wonderful every other guy in the world is and more typically a guy that causes women to become bug-eyed and run away as fast as they can.
It's like the whole dating scene is a bank. Guys get to take out loans - assuming the risk of making advances toward a woman. If things go well, they get to enjoy someone's company, build up confidence, and repay the loan. If they go as they do for me, they accrue interest on the loan in terms of rejection but gain nothing to pay it back. That being the case, I'm overdrawn and out of collateral to try to take out more loans.
It affects my prayer life, rather seriously. Meaning, I can't focus on anything else. It's hard to consider the great scheme of life or commune with God when the constant drum beat of my life says that I am effectually unlovable. I try, but it is tough. Especially on days like this.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
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5 comments:
I don't particularly enjoy the rain and cold either...I took off both Friday and Saturday to go camping, yet with no plans. :-( If nothing else, at least we got to go a couple times this year.
P.S. - I sincerely hope that when I get married I won't be so caught up with her that I leave my friends out to dry. Plus, how could I cook my dinners while camping without Dave's trusty ol' stove?
Rob, you will leave your friends because it is inevitable. Dave, stop bitching about your life and start living. Look at the freedom you have that married guys don't. Stop assuming that getting married will fix anything. You will be just as miserable as you are now. Marriage changes nothing.
I appreciate the directness of the anonymous response, and I do my best to do just that. To live in the past sucks, and I do it often enough to know.
To say, however that marriage changes nothing is a half-truth. While I have heard that most people settle back into their typical patterns of behavior about 1 year after getting married, marriage provides certain utilitarian benefits (if nothing else, being unable to speak about the other, I presume, real benefits). Dual incomes, the chance to have children, a division of labor, not to mention the companionship of someone you can pour yourself into. I refrain from investing in others, becuase they do leave.
The freedom of singleness is something I take for granted. But I don't date, so there is no swinging bachelor lifestyle as a matter of choice. I enjoy miniature golf, bowling and hiking, but these are easier to do with company. What I really crave are shared experiences, with someone who won't abandon me later, which those who get married will do (not as an unreasonable thing - it really is important to focus on their relationship to their spose to the exclusion of other things). My best approximation of this is to take pictures of thigns and post them online for people to see, but this is a poor substitute.
The above advice I think I can take in two ways: suck it up and deal with it (my current approach), or change your attitude (something I endeavor to do, but which is remarkably hard, if it is indeed possible). If one has advice for effecting the latter, I welcome it.
In the meantime, life will continue to go on, whatever sort of face I put on it.
"Start Living." It's a nice cliche. I wouldn't mind seeing it rounded out in a concrete way. I will continue to go to sporting events, eat food I like, and do the things that I will do. Does the desire for something else take away from these things? Yes, but I go about my life anyway.
I've read through your entire blog and have enjoyed your thoughts and comments as they pertain to life, religion, holiness, and love. When I left the comment to "start living" I wanted to try a very direct approach with you because many people who are in your shoes don't see a need to change anything. They love where they are at, but obviously you do not love the single life. I will say this; when people get married they are still the same people the always were when they were single and it does come back a year later. If you are a rather depressed, lonely person you will continue to be that same person but with just another person living under your roof to either help with that depression (i.e. dragging you lower, or helping you up). You mention a few "benefits" of marriage - dual incomes, children, a division of labor, and companionship. The dual incomes will go out the window once you have children if you take the responsibility to raise your children which seems to be very unpopular in America today, the children are wonderful I will admit that, the division of labor is a farce, you will each feel like you are working your face off, and the companionship with the right person can be wonderful. Marriage will make your high's higher than they ever were when you were single; but marriage will also make your low's lower than they ever were. I think what I wanted you to see in response to me was exactly what you said - the key to it all "I desire shared experiences with those who won't abandon me later." It does not sound like you are happy being single, so why not change that? Why not start dating? Is that not a possibility? I have read your blog and you eluded to some things about your lack of dating, but why? Why not get out there? Maybe you can pinpoint some things that "prevents" you from dating. And don't say how you look. The longer that I am around women, the more I am convinced that looks matters little to none for many of them (leaving out the shallow, pathetic one's who have no beauty in their soul). If you don't date, then I said "start living" and you asked how that plays out in a concrete way. Allow me to ramble: Lead a group at church, get involved serving, serve out in the community, serve at a homeless shelter, train to run a marathon, lift weights, find a hobby, two hobby's, three hobby's, figure out what you dream of becoming and go do it, be a big brother to some kid, make a list of people and plan ahead when you want to hang with them, you mentioned reasons why you don't fit into the church you attend, go to some other bible studies, lead a bible study, call your dad up right now and tell him you love him over the phone - it's easier than in person, start a blog - oh yah you did that one, find a mentor who will help you ask out girls, read, read, read, read, write, study, memorize, call up your married friends and invite them on hikes months in advance so they can go, hell, I'll go with you. Just get out and live. Photography, what you mentioned is a great hobby, but to me "living" is done in community mostly and personally at times. By the way, for many people, in fact 50% + marriage does not change anything and they just get divorced because ultimately it wasn't the magical answer to their "problems". Most people get married because they want a better, more fulfilling life, and when they find out that their spouse cannot give them that, they move on mentally which is the precursor to divorce. Trust me. Fortunately for you, you already have the answer to leading a fulfilled and happy life. I didn't say the most thrilling, I didn't say the most joyful, I didn't say the easiest. You do have the answer though. Christ. Even typing it is such a cliche, but it's true nonetheless. When you are content with Him, you will be content married. Otherwise, you have such high hopes that anybody you marry is going to let you down. I apologize for my directness of my first rant, but I wanted to show you the "dark side" of the other half. Marriage is a two sided sword, and it cuts off more than half of America. That half never understood what love was, what sacrifice was, what true devotion was. They just wanted to be happy.
[Sheds a happy tear for a sustained thought and a reader outside the two guys I already talk to the most.]
Direct Approaches: For a time in my life (most of college, and shortly thereafter, really), I did just sit around, hoping to find someone and everything would be better. I really was just waiting for romance to come along and make it all better, so I can see where the need for this advice comes from (and having my history, I can never completely discount the influences it still has on my life).
Division of Labor: I think most of life makes everyone always feel like they're working hard no matter what they do. I don't really want someone to take care of me while I sit around doing nothing (for the record, just in case). Rather, I presume that there are certain chores that need doing, single or married. If you are married, I presume that more work is added to this list, if only for having two people instead of one. But I also presume that there are, to use the verbage of my profession, economies of scale when you have two people - that you gain more time for labor between the two of you than you lose through additional work.
Start living: Aside from the philisophical ponderings I had of this during the less-than-remarkable Ledgend of Zorro Friday, a few things come to mind.
Serving, leading groups, leading Bible studies, these things keep, or have kept me exceedingly busy. Perhaps so much so that I over-emphasize how little time I have "free" because I am already out doing thse sorts of things. But I want to do them for the right reasons. In the past I have done "churchy" things for the express purpose of meeting women. Inherently bad? Perhaps no. But there is a temptation to put up a facade of spirituality when doing such things if your real motive is to find people to date, and that smacks of hypocrisy. So even if it works (and I have seen it do so) for others, Authenticity is more important to me than working the system to find the future Mrs. Dave Schmidt.
Dating: I waffle on this. Do I want to, do I not? I do, but I want to know the girl better up-front than just going out with anyone peasing to my eye, which I think is worthwhile. Unfortunately, it isn't just about me. I hate having my heart broken, but I also therefore want to minimize the potential to inflict this on someone else. I also know my capacity for self-delusion. I don't want to become involved with a girl (however I might justify it at the time) in the heat of the moment that I wouldn't have a more abiding interest in without a sea of raging hormones, because seas of raging hormones eventually still themselves. What keeps me back? You did hit the nail on the head. Insecurity about my physical appearance. But I don't think that only the most hideously shallow women care about this. I think the answer may be that appearance is a signal - it shows, without taking the time to figure it out, cetain aspects of a person's character and lifestyle. And no two people exist as disembodied brains interacting only logically or emotionally. I don't discard this motivation in them, because I know it also exists in me. Then again, my experience with women is limited (not non-existent, as I have had a few female friends, some of whom I still get along swimingly with). I can defer on this point. Personally I hope you are correct, as it tilts the balance a bit more in my favor (I think).
Marathons: Ouch. I have known a few people that have run these, I knew a girl who ran a 50-mile race here once. I must set my sights lower. If I could jog a half a mile right now, I'd be stoked - a whole mile would seem a miracle. I have recently started lifting weights and working on the cardio/endurance side, half to work out some frustration, half to get in a good habit, half to try to build that ever-crucial confidence, and half in seeming psychic anticipation of your post. I am improving steadily, which feels good. (and reminds me that I haven't made it over to the gym yet today... ooops. Yay for weekends with time to do such things)
The Other Side of the Fence: Discontent does seem to be a part of human nature. The new and unknown seems ever-better than the ordinary here-and-now. One reason I let loose on the world (or the very small fraction thereof that makes its way here) my rants on singleness is as a reminder to those who are married and perhaps longing to be single again that singleness isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Neither is marriage, at least insofar as one might view it as the solution to all of life's problems. It is, I presume, a rather poor substitute for it. And it is good to be reminded of these facts (as my error leans towards the idylic).
Forgive me if any of the above thoughts trailed off without resolution. I'm tired from a rather disappointing loss to Boise State by our footbal team. Expected, but still disappointing. At least it was only on TV, instead of here. That pain will come when Fresno State comes to town. At least basketball season approacheth.
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