In a previous post I received a comment to the effect of "Stop Bitching and Start Living." This was very direct advice, and useful because it is easy to collapse into only complaining about things, letting unresolved issues dominate my life to the point of robbing my life of any joy. But I was thinking about this: What does it mean to "start living?" Shall we use the definition from my Biology textbooks of high school, that the definition of life is to grow, to reproduce, to react to your environment? This seems to be the height of pointlessness. Is it the more hedonic "do what makes you feel good?" If this is taken to be a base motivation of life, in an economic "utility maximization" sense, then one might say I am doing that already. Perhaps whining in the past is more self-satisfying than anything else I can come up with. If the ultimate arbiter is myself, who is anyone else to judge what's in my head? I may well already be maximizing my utility with the resources at my disposal.
If my life revolves around me, then nobody else has any right to suggest that I live in any other way than I am. All such advice would be self-serving, as the number of TV and radio commercials, in addition to whole wings of bookstores for self-help books can attest It would be like trying to measure my pulse by counting off six seconds while simultaneously counting off the heartbeats in my neck - the beat in my neck always messes up my sense of time. Only when I ahve an external clock, if my life ought to be subordinate to something else, an external ideal that I have any basis for saying I ought to be better.
If I, therefore, claim to be following Christ, suddenly my life has a form, a mold that it can be checked against. My faith, love, aspirations, motivations, actions, emotions, and everything else have a standard to be measured against.
I need Christ, not only for forgiveness for my sins, but for a direction, a path, a purpose. I need Christ living inside of me, acting in me the unbelievable role of a member of the Body of Christ. Left to my own devices, I will as Scrooge McDuck pace the same tired territory in my life until I disappear utterly into the rut.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Less Depressing Post
I found these websites today. They may have use to you:
International Justice Mission
Famine Emergency Warning System
International Justice Mission
Famine Emergency Warning System
One of those days
It's just been one of those days. I think the rain has me unusually down, because while I like the rain, I see it is an unfortunate circumstance keeping me from going camping this weekend. So I get to go from doing something I love to hanging around the house doing nothing.
Ordinarily, I like doing nothing. I keep busy enough much of the time that I like to just chill. But the past couple months, I've felt even lonlier than normal. Given that I'm usually pretty lonely as it is, this is a noticeable dip. And on the rare occasion that the chance to do something comes up, I often decline it. There's a part of me that resents the "my wife has other plans, do you want to do something" approach. I understand where it comes from, and I'd do the same if the roles were reversed. It still sucks.
There's been a spat of birthdays at work, which means going to the conference room at about 10:00 am, having some sort of sugary treat, and politely chatting for 15-20 minutes. Most coworkers, being older than I, talk about their kids, their spouses, and the like. I hope that sports comes up. Otherwise, I got nothing to say. A spouse, kids, and a house for all of us are my three big goals in life. I have a job and a car, which would probably round out 4 and 5 on the list, but the big three seem unobtainable.
I currently first see the sun in the mornings about 75% of the way to work, and it gets later every day. The end of Daylight Savings time would change that, but I hope to move to a 7-4 schedule and use the time shift to help me make that adjustment. When I get home, there's maybe 30 minutes of sunlight left. But I do have a window with a view, so I see the sun during the day.
It's the holiday season. That always gets me pretty down. Valentine's Day, Easter, Birthday and October-January. I love my family. I just thought by this time in my life, I'd be on my way to having one of my own. And it doesn't help that some of the most discouraging memories I have in romantic pursuits fall during this time of year.
But mostly, it's been very vivid memories of past rejection. The sort of memories that in aggregate, lead to a very depressing "who did you think you were kidding?" If I had ever had anything close to success with women, maybe I could hold on to some hope. All I have managed to be is at best a good friend that gets to hear all about how wonderful every other guy in the world is and more typically a guy that causes women to become bug-eyed and run away as fast as they can.
It's like the whole dating scene is a bank. Guys get to take out loans - assuming the risk of making advances toward a woman. If things go well, they get to enjoy someone's company, build up confidence, and repay the loan. If they go as they do for me, they accrue interest on the loan in terms of rejection but gain nothing to pay it back. That being the case, I'm overdrawn and out of collateral to try to take out more loans.
It affects my prayer life, rather seriously. Meaning, I can't focus on anything else. It's hard to consider the great scheme of life or commune with God when the constant drum beat of my life says that I am effectually unlovable. I try, but it is tough. Especially on days like this.
Ordinarily, I like doing nothing. I keep busy enough much of the time that I like to just chill. But the past couple months, I've felt even lonlier than normal. Given that I'm usually pretty lonely as it is, this is a noticeable dip. And on the rare occasion that the chance to do something comes up, I often decline it. There's a part of me that resents the "my wife has other plans, do you want to do something" approach. I understand where it comes from, and I'd do the same if the roles were reversed. It still sucks.
There's been a spat of birthdays at work, which means going to the conference room at about 10:00 am, having some sort of sugary treat, and politely chatting for 15-20 minutes. Most coworkers, being older than I, talk about their kids, their spouses, and the like. I hope that sports comes up. Otherwise, I got nothing to say. A spouse, kids, and a house for all of us are my three big goals in life. I have a job and a car, which would probably round out 4 and 5 on the list, but the big three seem unobtainable.
I currently first see the sun in the mornings about 75% of the way to work, and it gets later every day. The end of Daylight Savings time would change that, but I hope to move to a 7-4 schedule and use the time shift to help me make that adjustment. When I get home, there's maybe 30 minutes of sunlight left. But I do have a window with a view, so I see the sun during the day.
It's the holiday season. That always gets me pretty down. Valentine's Day, Easter, Birthday and October-January. I love my family. I just thought by this time in my life, I'd be on my way to having one of my own. And it doesn't help that some of the most discouraging memories I have in romantic pursuits fall during this time of year.
But mostly, it's been very vivid memories of past rejection. The sort of memories that in aggregate, lead to a very depressing "who did you think you were kidding?" If I had ever had anything close to success with women, maybe I could hold on to some hope. All I have managed to be is at best a good friend that gets to hear all about how wonderful every other guy in the world is and more typically a guy that causes women to become bug-eyed and run away as fast as they can.
It's like the whole dating scene is a bank. Guys get to take out loans - assuming the risk of making advances toward a woman. If things go well, they get to enjoy someone's company, build up confidence, and repay the loan. If they go as they do for me, they accrue interest on the loan in terms of rejection but gain nothing to pay it back. That being the case, I'm overdrawn and out of collateral to try to take out more loans.
It affects my prayer life, rather seriously. Meaning, I can't focus on anything else. It's hard to consider the great scheme of life or commune with God when the constant drum beat of my life says that I am effectually unlovable. I try, but it is tough. Especially on days like this.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Contentiousness
From Dictionary.com:
con·ten·tious
adj. Given to contention; quarrelsome.
Why are Christians so contentious? Personally, interpersonally, intrachurch, interchurch, cross-denominational and with respect to the world at large, sometimes it seems like Christians never lack a bone to pick. Like me, right now, complaining about the fact that we complain and argue so much...
Do we feel a need to prove something? To defend the world from the evils of itself? To prove our holiness and become somehow more acceptable to the Almighty? Look at the following list, and rank them as to who would be most acceptable at your church.
1) A homeless man, smelling of urine and alcohol.
2) Two men, openly gay.
3) A young couple: spiked hair, black lipstick (on man and woman), spiked collars, enough piercings to make a Volkswagen.
4) A man in a suit, outwardly proper leading a secret life of sin.
All? None? Some? What "sins" do we regard as more evil than others? Premarital sex? Drinking? Hypocrisy? Swearing? But sins are not the only thing that can put up a wall. People who dress different, talk differnt, speak out of turn. What keeps you from embracing your brother or sister in love? What keeps you from seeking the help you need in the Body?
Do we really regard one another as more important than ourselves, or do we simply claim that high-minded nobility when it will impress others. Is my kindness more than a way of trying to signal to single women that I'm a good, godly man that they should get to know better?
Is worship more than cheerleading? Is prayer more than talking to ourselves to make ourselves feel better? Is church a social gathering to meet friends, get to know people who could be of use to your own goals, or a way to make yourself look good to God? What's with the Trinity - is it just a way of reconciling factual errors in the Bible?
If I want to get married but can't gather the nerve to ask for a date, can I blame God? If a childless couple wants children but cannot have one, is God really involved for good or ill? Not one sparrow falls to the ground apart from God's knowledge of it, but lots of sparrows are bought and sold and killed. How can God allow things like the Holocaust, Somalia, Rawanda, Bosnia, Darfur, Iraq, Palestine? Does God intervene, or do we just like to think that when good things happen?
Is faith worth the cost?
[Wow - that got away from me. I had a point, but it's late, and I like the questions. Some have answers. It's too late for me to start on that road intelligibly.]
con·ten·tious
adj. Given to contention; quarrelsome.
Why are Christians so contentious? Personally, interpersonally, intrachurch, interchurch, cross-denominational and with respect to the world at large, sometimes it seems like Christians never lack a bone to pick. Like me, right now, complaining about the fact that we complain and argue so much...
Do we feel a need to prove something? To defend the world from the evils of itself? To prove our holiness and become somehow more acceptable to the Almighty? Look at the following list, and rank them as to who would be most acceptable at your church.
1) A homeless man, smelling of urine and alcohol.
2) Two men, openly gay.
3) A young couple: spiked hair, black lipstick (on man and woman), spiked collars, enough piercings to make a Volkswagen.
4) A man in a suit, outwardly proper leading a secret life of sin.
All? None? Some? What "sins" do we regard as more evil than others? Premarital sex? Drinking? Hypocrisy? Swearing? But sins are not the only thing that can put up a wall. People who dress different, talk differnt, speak out of turn. What keeps you from embracing your brother or sister in love? What keeps you from seeking the help you need in the Body?
Do we really regard one another as more important than ourselves, or do we simply claim that high-minded nobility when it will impress others. Is my kindness more than a way of trying to signal to single women that I'm a good, godly man that they should get to know better?
Is worship more than cheerleading? Is prayer more than talking to ourselves to make ourselves feel better? Is church a social gathering to meet friends, get to know people who could be of use to your own goals, or a way to make yourself look good to God? What's with the Trinity - is it just a way of reconciling factual errors in the Bible?
If I want to get married but can't gather the nerve to ask for a date, can I blame God? If a childless couple wants children but cannot have one, is God really involved for good or ill? Not one sparrow falls to the ground apart from God's knowledge of it, but lots of sparrows are bought and sold and killed. How can God allow things like the Holocaust, Somalia, Rawanda, Bosnia, Darfur, Iraq, Palestine? Does God intervene, or do we just like to think that when good things happen?
Is faith worth the cost?
[Wow - that got away from me. I had a point, but it's late, and I like the questions. Some have answers. It's too late for me to start on that road intelligibly.]
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Don't Wanna Be A Rock Star
[exasperated rant] I never wanted to be one of those guys that every woman wanted to be with. I wanted one and only one woman to be close to. Loyalty, faithfulness, love. These are good qualitites, right? In economics, certain things are known as signals. These are used to make judgements with limited information, ie: a college degree signals employers that a given candidate is of above-average inteligence, even if the given job does not require the degree this candidate has earned. I suppose it's the same with women. If a guy is liked by some women, other women find him attractive because he is evidently love-able. Which leaves a guy like me out in the night.[/exasperated rant]
In other news, Tech Central Station has become my favorite reading at the moment at work. I can find plenty on market issues, which helps get my mind running. But some articles offer just plain interesting insights on a variety of topics.
See, for example, this, this, and this. The third is my favorite of the three, but each was informative and interesting.
In further news, I asked a rhetorical question whether the Bible could contain myth. I am not saying one way or another here, but consider the story of Job. It always seemed... less than historical. It almost seems to begin with a "Once upon a time..." Would that make it less true?
What about metaphor or allegory? The sun standing still, the strength of Samson, the parting of the Red Sea, the story of creation and the Garden of Eden? Literal history, or something else?
Finally, I may be going camping over Nevada Day. It will be cold and rainy. But (1) due to my recent change of jobs, I missed much camping this summer, (2) I now get Nevada Day as a holidy (hooray for state employees!), and (3) I always hope to get to know people (women) I don't see very often, if at all. Camping is my element. I feel more comfortable surrounded by trees, stars, and clouds. So while the unpleasant weather reduces the already unlikely odds of this happening this weekend, if I stay at home there is zero chance. If I end up going alone, there is also zero chance, but at least I'm out where I feel like I belong.
My only other regular social outing is football games, where if I didn't have a big "I'm a crazy fan" sign hanging over my head, my "singing" of the school alma mater before the game sticks the sign there with crazy glue. At a recent game, my former college pastor and his daughter made the mistake of sitting nearby. According to my sister, they were "laughing hystericaly." Funny is good. Crazy, that's another story.
In other news, Tech Central Station has become my favorite reading at the moment at work. I can find plenty on market issues, which helps get my mind running. But some articles offer just plain interesting insights on a variety of topics.
See, for example, this, this, and this. The third is my favorite of the three, but each was informative and interesting.
In further news, I asked a rhetorical question whether the Bible could contain myth. I am not saying one way or another here, but consider the story of Job. It always seemed... less than historical. It almost seems to begin with a "Once upon a time..." Would that make it less true?
What about metaphor or allegory? The sun standing still, the strength of Samson, the parting of the Red Sea, the story of creation and the Garden of Eden? Literal history, or something else?
Finally, I may be going camping over Nevada Day. It will be cold and rainy. But (1) due to my recent change of jobs, I missed much camping this summer, (2) I now get Nevada Day as a holidy (hooray for state employees!), and (3) I always hope to get to know people (women) I don't see very often, if at all. Camping is my element. I feel more comfortable surrounded by trees, stars, and clouds. So while the unpleasant weather reduces the already unlikely odds of this happening this weekend, if I stay at home there is zero chance. If I end up going alone, there is also zero chance, but at least I'm out where I feel like I belong.
My only other regular social outing is football games, where if I didn't have a big "I'm a crazy fan" sign hanging over my head, my "singing" of the school alma mater before the game sticks the sign there with crazy glue. At a recent game, my former college pastor and his daughter made the mistake of sitting nearby. According to my sister, they were "laughing hystericaly." Funny is good. Crazy, that's another story.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Substance!
I know, it's been a while. But I read something today (or, most of it - it is a long read) that I found to be worth sharing.
Is the Bible completely literal? Is there anything in there that could be a God-breathed myth?
I believe that the Bible is true, God-breathed, and profitable for teaching, rebuke, correction, and training in righteousness. I am not always sure that our interpretations are as foolproof. I belive that confusing the inerrancy of Scripture for the inerrancy of our interpretation thereof is horribly dangerous.
You should read this.
Is the Bible completely literal? Is there anything in there that could be a God-breathed myth?
I believe that the Bible is true, God-breathed, and profitable for teaching, rebuke, correction, and training in righteousness. I am not always sure that our interpretations are as foolproof. I belive that confusing the inerrancy of Scripture for the inerrancy of our interpretation thereof is horribly dangerous.
You should read this.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Women
I was showing one of our rare, and therefore incredibly wonderful, sound booth volunteers several blogs Sunday. We sawe Jose's and Rob's blogs, and then I showed him mine. "This is my blog. I mostly complain about women."
This is, to a large extent true. I don't mean it to be, it just is. And I'm sure there are plenty of women who have felt the same way about guys, so hopefully they can understand where I come from.
Only a few people are afraid of being alone for the rest of their lives at 27, or so High Fidelity informs me. I am one of those people. So, fear turns into the ultra-unattractive duo of neediness and desperation. Because I don't want these to be the defining characteristics of my interpersonal relations, I avoid much human contact.
In another time, I was invited by a girl as part of a group of people to go ice skating. I managed to utterly screw up the directions, and left horribly late, in part because I was trying to carpool some other people. We ended up in the middle of nowhere, probably several miles if not more from the intended destination. As I tried motivating the people I went with to get moving so we could leave, they encouraged me to go by myself. If I could do it over, I would have. But I was nervous. I didn't know her all that well, and I sought the safety of the people I knew. This is easily in my top 5 regrets of all time, alongside not trying to play football in high school and not pursuing engineering in college (much as I like economics, the job prospects are much harder to come by).
It's these sorts of things that haunt me. Blown chances, missed opportunities. It's like flying in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (book, not recent movie): you have to be able to throw yourself at the ground, and miss. The trouble is, this is very difficult to do. I succeed at the throwing myself at the grund part, but in the crucial moment, I remember. I remember, seemingly in one instant, every rejection that came before. And so, instead of missing the ground and engaging in the perfectly normal conversation I might otherwise be able to have, I hit the ground, usually imitating a fish (opening and closing my mouth with the occasional bubble coming out).
In a previous post, Jose empathized with the observation that to a nice guy's dismay, women seem to fall for jerks. The veracity of this aside, I think it's like in Father of the Bride: at first you're worried she'll meet the wrong guy. Then, you're worried she'll meet the right guy.
I'm tired. I'm tired of chasing after things I can't have. I'm tired of waking up depressed because I saw her, or heard her voice in my dream; a simple "Hi Dave" in my head that is rarely duplicated in reality. I'm tired of the whole package. I don't want to have my heart stop in my chest when I see her. I don't want to instantly flash into jealousy when another guy mentions her. I don't want to think about her at all. I want to forget her utterly, totally, and completely.
And I don't want to lose her - not (and I'll thank you for not pointing out the contradiction) that she's in any way "mine" to lose.
Hear that thumping? That's me beating my head against the wall. I figure, someday I'll knock out enough brain cells to forget all this nonsense. Hopefully I'll retain enough to not drool on myself, or enough to not care about that, either.
This is, to a large extent true. I don't mean it to be, it just is. And I'm sure there are plenty of women who have felt the same way about guys, so hopefully they can understand where I come from.
Only a few people are afraid of being alone for the rest of their lives at 27, or so High Fidelity informs me. I am one of those people. So, fear turns into the ultra-unattractive duo of neediness and desperation. Because I don't want these to be the defining characteristics of my interpersonal relations, I avoid much human contact.
In another time, I was invited by a girl as part of a group of people to go ice skating. I managed to utterly screw up the directions, and left horribly late, in part because I was trying to carpool some other people. We ended up in the middle of nowhere, probably several miles if not more from the intended destination. As I tried motivating the people I went with to get moving so we could leave, they encouraged me to go by myself. If I could do it over, I would have. But I was nervous. I didn't know her all that well, and I sought the safety of the people I knew. This is easily in my top 5 regrets of all time, alongside not trying to play football in high school and not pursuing engineering in college (much as I like economics, the job prospects are much harder to come by).
It's these sorts of things that haunt me. Blown chances, missed opportunities. It's like flying in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (book, not recent movie): you have to be able to throw yourself at the ground, and miss. The trouble is, this is very difficult to do. I succeed at the throwing myself at the grund part, but in the crucial moment, I remember. I remember, seemingly in one instant, every rejection that came before. And so, instead of missing the ground and engaging in the perfectly normal conversation I might otherwise be able to have, I hit the ground, usually imitating a fish (opening and closing my mouth with the occasional bubble coming out).
In a previous post, Jose empathized with the observation that to a nice guy's dismay, women seem to fall for jerks. The veracity of this aside, I think it's like in Father of the Bride: at first you're worried she'll meet the wrong guy. Then, you're worried she'll meet the right guy.
I'm tired. I'm tired of chasing after things I can't have. I'm tired of waking up depressed because I saw her, or heard her voice in my dream; a simple "Hi Dave" in my head that is rarely duplicated in reality. I'm tired of the whole package. I don't want to have my heart stop in my chest when I see her. I don't want to instantly flash into jealousy when another guy mentions her. I don't want to think about her at all. I want to forget her utterly, totally, and completely.
And I don't want to lose her - not (and I'll thank you for not pointing out the contradiction) that she's in any way "mine" to lose.
Hear that thumping? That's me beating my head against the wall. I figure, someday I'll knock out enough brain cells to forget all this nonsense. Hopefully I'll retain enough to not drool on myself, or enough to not care about that, either.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Priorities
Stories you may have heard about recently:
Genocide in Darfur
Why? In my case, it's because I don't really care. I wish I could wax long and eloquent about the atrocities being committed, but I am far too wrapped up in my love of sports, and my loathing of being single. Am I racist? To be honest, I was not too choked up about Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Rita, the earthquake in Inda/Pakistan, the flodding in the Northeast, or many other disasters. I am sad in a very abstract way for those who are suffering, but I am not moved to act.
What makes Darfur different is that it is something that usually gets me: acts of evil perpetrated by one human being on another. Like the story of the pregnant woman who was knocked out with a baseball bat by her neighbor, who proceeded to drive to a remote area to try and cut the baby from her womb with a razor. Or the recently sentenced BTK killer. Or any other stories of atrocity. But in all of these I feel helpless against the flood. I am relieved when justice is done, but the accomplishing of it seems so big, so beyond me, that it feels fruitless to try.
It is a sad commentary on the news that partisan pointless bickering gathers so much news, while the rape, murder, and starvation of innocent children goes on without a second thought. But it is sad in part because the news is, for good or ill, a reflection of the stories deemed to be interesting to the people.
What can one do? I use Google News as my homepage. In it, you can customize what news you see by keywords, and sort where it is on your page. I could add a Darfur section to this page. I could look for stories about what is happening, and write to the papers thanking them for their coverage. It's just a thought.
Conservatives attack Bush over Harriet MeirsStory you may not have read about (except that my know readership all knows Jose, and so probably has):
Heavy rains continue in Northeast
Job loss due to Hurrican Katrina tops 438,000
Wolf Pack defeats Idaho Vandals 62-14
Angela Merkel to be new German chancellor
Consumer Price Index surges in September - real wages fall
Dog killed in Reno mobile home fire
Violence escalaes in Iraq ahead of constitutional referendum
Bush stages interview with troops
Japan's upper house approves postal reform measures
Apple announces video iPod
Daniel Craig to be next 007
Bird flu outbreak in Turkey
Genocide in Darfur
Why? In my case, it's because I don't really care. I wish I could wax long and eloquent about the atrocities being committed, but I am far too wrapped up in my love of sports, and my loathing of being single. Am I racist? To be honest, I was not too choked up about Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Rita, the earthquake in Inda/Pakistan, the flodding in the Northeast, or many other disasters. I am sad in a very abstract way for those who are suffering, but I am not moved to act.
What makes Darfur different is that it is something that usually gets me: acts of evil perpetrated by one human being on another. Like the story of the pregnant woman who was knocked out with a baseball bat by her neighbor, who proceeded to drive to a remote area to try and cut the baby from her womb with a razor. Or the recently sentenced BTK killer. Or any other stories of atrocity. But in all of these I feel helpless against the flood. I am relieved when justice is done, but the accomplishing of it seems so big, so beyond me, that it feels fruitless to try.
It is a sad commentary on the news that partisan pointless bickering gathers so much news, while the rape, murder, and starvation of innocent children goes on without a second thought. But it is sad in part because the news is, for good or ill, a reflection of the stories deemed to be interesting to the people.
What can one do? I use Google News as my homepage. In it, you can customize what news you see by keywords, and sort where it is on your page. I could add a Darfur section to this page. I could look for stories about what is happening, and write to the papers thanking them for their coverage. It's just a thought.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
37 Days to Go
As a lifelong football fan, it is strange that in the middle of a football season that's better than in recent memories, I find myself more excited that Nevada Basketball is just around the corner. This very weekend, I don't know what to be more excited over: the beginning of practice for basketball, or the football game with first place in the conference on the line.
Perhaps it is because the nature of the NCAA Tournament in basketball makes it possible for a good season to mean a trip to the national playoffs, with a chance to win gmaes, whereas even a remarkable football season means a mid-level and forgetable bowl game.
Perhaps it's because I like seeing my school's name spoken with respect by people who couldn't pronounce it correctly when Nevada beat Michigan State and upset Gonzaga two years ago. Perhaps it's because ESPN.com led it's college basketball section with a story about my team over the weekend. Perhaps it's because CBS Sports listed not one but two Nevada players in its analysis of the top 20 players at each position. Perhaps it's because the WAC media and coaches unanimously voted for Nevada to take first place in the conference, with Nevada's own coah being the only one to vote for another team (because I believe one isn't allowed to vote for his own team). Perhaps it's because these same media and coaches picked Nick Fazekas to be the player of the year in the WAC - the same Nick Fazekas picked by CBS as the third-best power forward in the country. And perhaps it's because Nevada, gaining a top-25 ranking last year and retaining most starters, bench players, and the head coach, is under consideration as a preseason top-25 this year.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I guess this is what it means to me.
Perhaps it is because the nature of the NCAA Tournament in basketball makes it possible for a good season to mean a trip to the national playoffs, with a chance to win gmaes, whereas even a remarkable football season means a mid-level and forgetable bowl game.
Perhaps it's because I like seeing my school's name spoken with respect by people who couldn't pronounce it correctly when Nevada beat Michigan State and upset Gonzaga two years ago. Perhaps it's because ESPN.com led it's college basketball section with a story about my team over the weekend. Perhaps it's because CBS Sports listed not one but two Nevada players in its analysis of the top 20 players at each position. Perhaps it's because the WAC media and coaches unanimously voted for Nevada to take first place in the conference, with Nevada's own coah being the only one to vote for another team (because I believe one isn't allowed to vote for his own team). Perhaps it's because these same media and coaches picked Nick Fazekas to be the player of the year in the WAC - the same Nick Fazekas picked by CBS as the third-best power forward in the country. And perhaps it's because Nevada, gaining a top-25 ranking last year and retaining most starters, bench players, and the head coach, is under consideration as a preseason top-25 this year.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I guess this is what it means to me.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
New Photo
After contemplating it for 15-30 minutes last night, I decided I needed to make public one of my new favorite pictures. It's online at MorgueFile.com, search for author renowiggum and look at picture 100_2822. I like the simplicity of it, and I like that none of the moving cars showed up even as ghosts under the streetlight or the headlights of other cars. I also like how crisp the parked cars look.
Printing it to hang on my wall used more than it's share of black ink, but it was still worth it.
Printing it to hang on my wall used more than it's share of black ink, but it was still worth it.
Big Brothers
I'm the family first-born, with a brother and a sister. So this Peanuts comic strikes close to home.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Life's Quirks
One of those things about Reno, good or bad depending on who you ask, is that it really is a small world. I went to the gym for my daily excursion into self-torture, and ran into a girl I knew from high school. I didn't recognize her at first, but she asked if my name was Dave, introduced herself, and we had a half hour conversation as she finished her exercise and I began mine. We talked about where our lives went since high school, what we are doing for work, how we aquired the furniture in our apartments, and other bits of trivia.
Why is it that I can have a completely natural conversation, even while short of breath with sweat dripping into my eyes, with a girl I hardly know when in the course of my everyday life, but in the church, my attempts at conversation often come across as wholly unwelcome? Maybe it's me, maybe girls in church are different from those in the world, maybe I was too tired on account of the cross-country machine to care.
Maybe it's just that in this instance, someone was kind enough to say "hi." It's amazing how much knowing that your conversation is not only welcome, but desired. It's nice to have someone talk to you like a normal person - it makes it infinitely easier to respond in kind. It's also amazing how often this doesn't happen in the church, in the kind of authentic, friendly way that invites your participation. I talk to my friends, but hardly anyone else. Outside my circle, I don't approach anyone, and the only people that approach me have known me since I was a child.
What would the church be like if people who hardly know you struck up a genuine conversation, without pretense, without expectations, without acting as though they were doing you a favor by speaking to you, or looking over their shoulder for the more popular people to be avilable to speak with?
Why is it that I can have a completely natural conversation, even while short of breath with sweat dripping into my eyes, with a girl I hardly know when in the course of my everyday life, but in the church, my attempts at conversation often come across as wholly unwelcome? Maybe it's me, maybe girls in church are different from those in the world, maybe I was too tired on account of the cross-country machine to care.
Maybe it's just that in this instance, someone was kind enough to say "hi." It's amazing how much knowing that your conversation is not only welcome, but desired. It's nice to have someone talk to you like a normal person - it makes it infinitely easier to respond in kind. It's also amazing how often this doesn't happen in the church, in the kind of authentic, friendly way that invites your participation. I talk to my friends, but hardly anyone else. Outside my circle, I don't approach anyone, and the only people that approach me have known me since I was a child.
What would the church be like if people who hardly know you struck up a genuine conversation, without pretense, without expectations, without acting as though they were doing you a favor by speaking to you, or looking over their shoulder for the more popular people to be avilable to speak with?
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
A lighter note
In order to feel proud, and hopefully therein find motivation to continue:
In the 3 weeks (?) I have been working out, I've dropped about 10 pounds, from a high (albeit late in the day and fully dressed) of 258 to a low early this week (right after waking up) of 247.5.
I *hate* working out. I loathe every minute of it. I loathe every machine in the room, except the TV which reconnects me with ESPN. So I feel that much more proud when I can push through the sore muscles, the desperate desire to get off the elliptical 20 minutes into a 65 minute course, and finish to look down and be proud of my 10,854 strides (a personal record), with just over 875 calories burned, according to the machine, and know that I even did the first 25 minutes at an increased resistance level until the increasing incline + resistance utterly did me in.
And I have to express my thanks to Andrew for the times he can come lift with me. Without having my ego on the line, I would wimp out when lifting much sooner. I may had even stopped by now. And I have to thank Kenny for once upon a time getting me thinking about lifting. Without his beginning shove, I'd be much further behind now.
In the 3 weeks (?) I have been working out, I've dropped about 10 pounds, from a high (albeit late in the day and fully dressed) of 258 to a low early this week (right after waking up) of 247.5.
I *hate* working out. I loathe every minute of it. I loathe every machine in the room, except the TV which reconnects me with ESPN. So I feel that much more proud when I can push through the sore muscles, the desperate desire to get off the elliptical 20 minutes into a 65 minute course, and finish to look down and be proud of my 10,854 strides (a personal record), with just over 875 calories burned, according to the machine, and know that I even did the first 25 minutes at an increased resistance level until the increasing incline + resistance utterly did me in.
And I have to express my thanks to Andrew for the times he can come lift with me. Without having my ego on the line, I would wimp out when lifting much sooner. I may had even stopped by now. And I have to thank Kenny for once upon a time getting me thinking about lifting. Without his beginning shove, I'd be much further behind now.
True Beauty
It sounds cliche. Enough so that I doubt myself when I think it, because I may in fact only be fooling myself - a curious ability of man to make a decision and then warp reality itself to fit the conclusion. But true beauty comes from inside a person.
I know a guy, and I remember when he first started dating his fiance. The specific conversation is foggy, but he did refer to her as a certain "very beautiful girl." I met her, and my first reaction was to be less astounded than he. Attractive? Sure. But it wasn't until I got to get to know her that I could agree that he has found a special person, and really be happy for him without reservation. I think it is self-evident that she loves God earnestly, and that this spills out beyond a pseudo-intellectual coffee shop debate into her life.
Love for God, manifested in someone's life - this is true beauty. A woman who can worship, pray, and study fueled by a desire to know and come into contact with God. A love for God's people, for God's work, and for a world of people made in the likeness of God. All the more so because I often find my own passion lacking.
This is a significant part of why I never really wanted to date people I didn't know. I wanted to find that kinship, and build from there. I didn't want to be in a position where I would more likely blind myself in order to have companionship. Because really, I often feel desperate. I can usually damp those feelings enough to subsist, but I fear myself in that regard.
So I made a plan, with the best intentions.
And it seemed like a noble idea.
And it, or I, failed miserably.
I know a guy, and I remember when he first started dating his fiance. The specific conversation is foggy, but he did refer to her as a certain "very beautiful girl." I met her, and my first reaction was to be less astounded than he. Attractive? Sure. But it wasn't until I got to get to know her that I could agree that he has found a special person, and really be happy for him without reservation. I think it is self-evident that she loves God earnestly, and that this spills out beyond a pseudo-intellectual coffee shop debate into her life.
Love for God, manifested in someone's life - this is true beauty. A woman who can worship, pray, and study fueled by a desire to know and come into contact with God. A love for God's people, for God's work, and for a world of people made in the likeness of God. All the more so because I often find my own passion lacking.
This is a significant part of why I never really wanted to date people I didn't know. I wanted to find that kinship, and build from there. I didn't want to be in a position where I would more likely blind myself in order to have companionship. Because really, I often feel desperate. I can usually damp those feelings enough to subsist, but I fear myself in that regard.
So I made a plan, with the best intentions.
And it seemed like a noble idea.
And it, or I, failed miserably.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
A Question of Ethics
Suppose you are in a railway station, at a rail switch. A speeding train is coming. If you do not pull the switch, the train goes down tunnel A, where there are 5 people on the tracks who will be killed. If you pull the switch, it will veer to tunnel B, where there is one person on the tracks who will be killed. Quick: what do you do?
Now suppose you are on a bridge. Below you, there is a bus on an unavoidable course for five people below. They have no hope of evading the bus. However, there is a very large man next to you. If you push him off the bridge, he will fall into the path of the bus. He will certainly die, but the five people below will be spared. Do you push him?
Curiously, when faced with this question, I pulled the switch, but did not push the man. More curiously, many people respond the same way. For a deeper look into this, check out this article.
Now suppose you are on a bridge. Below you, there is a bus on an unavoidable course for five people below. They have no hope of evading the bus. However, there is a very large man next to you. If you push him off the bridge, he will fall into the path of the bus. He will certainly die, but the five people below will be spared. Do you push him?
Curiously, when faced with this question, I pulled the switch, but did not push the man. More curiously, many people respond the same way. For a deeper look into this, check out this article.
Subject to Interpretation
If one should tell a few close friends: "I have come to the realization that I am wholly inept at trying to meet single women of like mind on my own - I need help!" (Paraphrased), and he gets the response "We've been trying... to provide situations where you can talk to someone if the interest is there" and no such situations come to mind (well, there were some enjoyable social evenings at their house where the enjoyable company was all married or dating each other), is the proper interpretation "We are looking, but there's just no one out there?"
At least I know they're trying. The others just stay suspiciously silent.
At least I know they're trying. The others just stay suspiciously silent.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Professional, or Something
Today I had my first significant responsibility as an Economist. By statute, the Employment Security Council has to meet once a year, and at this annual meeting the unemployment tax rate for the upcoming year is set. I got to give a presentation explaining the history of the trust fund, the current levels, and provide forecasts for the next couple years.
I got all dressed up in my one suit (which has served me well, but may need to be retired as the growth in my arms from working out means that the sleeves are noticeably tighter), made sure to shave carefully (skipping that duty Friday through Sunday to accumulate enough stubble to cleanly slice it all off - growth in facial hair is not something that happens in a hurry for me), put on my gray silk tie, and got it taken care of.
Through strange coincidence, I heard "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees on my CD player 2 or 3 times this morning, which may explain once I had put the meeting behind me (broadcast live on the internet and everything!), I couldn't help but think about John Travolta's "There's just one thing left to do now... strut" line from.... whatever the sequel to Saturday Night Fever was.
I feel confident that when all cleaned up, I look pretty decent in a suit. I just don't like wearing clothes that I can't wear sitting in the dirt to set up a tent. Lacking the presence of a woman to "civilize me," I am quite content in jean shorts and a well-used tee shirt.
Evidently the entire meeting went well, was concluded in quick fashion, and the members of the council for whose benefit this information was prepared had good things to say all around about the quality of the information presented.
My name was on the agenda: David Schmidt, Economist. That's like, a real job or something. A job with which I can tell people what I do, and not feel like I need to hide my head in shame. Not because the work I had before was not respectable, but I always felt more capable than what I was able to do there. Now, I feel better able to stretch and apply myself.
And I make enough to support a family, should the need arise. Currently at $.02 per hour beneath the average national hourly wage, with a promotion and raise in a year (I think). There are studies that show that a person's satisfaction with their wage is not best measured in absolute terms (how much do you make), but in relative terms: compared to others. Being a couple pennies from the nationwide 50% mark at 27, I feel pretty okay with this. And I can look forward to a good career with the state, with room and time to advance.
Now all I need is the family...
Somehow, forecasting the future of the unemployment trust fund seems a simple task compared with that one.
I got all dressed up in my one suit (which has served me well, but may need to be retired as the growth in my arms from working out means that the sleeves are noticeably tighter), made sure to shave carefully (skipping that duty Friday through Sunday to accumulate enough stubble to cleanly slice it all off - growth in facial hair is not something that happens in a hurry for me), put on my gray silk tie, and got it taken care of.
Through strange coincidence, I heard "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees on my CD player 2 or 3 times this morning, which may explain once I had put the meeting behind me (broadcast live on the internet and everything!), I couldn't help but think about John Travolta's "There's just one thing left to do now... strut" line from.... whatever the sequel to Saturday Night Fever was.
I feel confident that when all cleaned up, I look pretty decent in a suit. I just don't like wearing clothes that I can't wear sitting in the dirt to set up a tent. Lacking the presence of a woman to "civilize me," I am quite content in jean shorts and a well-used tee shirt.
Evidently the entire meeting went well, was concluded in quick fashion, and the members of the council for whose benefit this information was prepared had good things to say all around about the quality of the information presented.
My name was on the agenda: David Schmidt, Economist. That's like, a real job or something. A job with which I can tell people what I do, and not feel like I need to hide my head in shame. Not because the work I had before was not respectable, but I always felt more capable than what I was able to do there. Now, I feel better able to stretch and apply myself.
And I make enough to support a family, should the need arise. Currently at $.02 per hour beneath the average national hourly wage, with a promotion and raise in a year (I think). There are studies that show that a person's satisfaction with their wage is not best measured in absolute terms (how much do you make), but in relative terms: compared to others. Being a couple pennies from the nationwide 50% mark at 27, I feel pretty okay with this. And I can look forward to a good career with the state, with room and time to advance.
Now all I need is the family...
Somehow, forecasting the future of the unemployment trust fund seems a simple task compared with that one.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Who am I?
Below is a list of movies I own. Roughly alphabetical order, except those that were off the shelf for some reason. If someone has borrowed a movie, I have likely forgotten that I own it, henve it would not be listed. TV shows are not in order. Parenthesis indicate that I think I own it, but cannot find it. What does this list say about me? I'd be interested in hearing what you think.
Remember: some of these I received as gifts. But as I have no kids, no wife, and no girlfriends, these are for my enjoyment alone.
A Christmas Story
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Air Force One
Aladdin
Alice in Wonderland
Along Came Polly
America's Sweethearts
Analyze This
Apollo 13
And Now For Something Completely Different
Bandits
Be Cool
Better Off Dead
Beverly Hills Ninja
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
Black Hawk Down
Brewster's Millions
Bridge on the River Kwai
Broken Arrow
Big
Bruce Almighty
A Bug's Life
Castaway
The Count of Monte Cristo
The Cross and the Switchblade
Encino Man
Envy
Dodgeball
Down Periscope
The Road to El Dorado
Evolution
Farenhype 911
Finding Forrester
The Fighting Temptations
Finding Nemo
Jackie Chan's First Strike
Forrest Gump
Fraggle Rock: Where it all Began
The Fugitive
Galaxy Quest
George of the Jungle
Get Shorty
Gladiator
Good Will Hunting
The Green Mile
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hidalgo
High Fidelity
History of the World Part 1
Hitch
King Arthur
The Hobbit
Hook
Hot Shots Part Deux
The In-Laws
Iron Will
The Italian Job
John Q
Kangaroo Jack
Kindergarten Cop
A Knight's Tale
The Last Samurai
The Last Starfighter
Liar Liar
Lilo & Stitch
The Lion King
Little Big League
Little Monsters
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Extended Edition
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Extended Edition
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Extended Edition
Creating the Lord of the Rings Symphony
The Lord of the Rings (Cartoon Version)
The Love Bug
(Master and Commander)
The Matrix
The Matrix: Reloaded
The Matrix: Revolutions
McHale's Navy
Meet the Parents
Men in Black
MIB II
Men of Honor
Miracle
Monster's Inc
Mr. Nanny
Mr. Nice Guy
The Mummy Returns
Mulan
The Musketeer
My Fellow Americans
The Negotiator
Never Ending Story
O Brother Where Art Thou
Office Space
Ocean's Eleven
Ocean's Twelve
Open Range
The Passion of the Christ
The Patriot
Pirates of the Carribean
Planet of the Apes
Rat Race
Red Dawn
(Remember the Titans)
Road to Perdition
Robin Hood
Schindler's List
Robin Williams: Live on Broadway
Ronin
Rules of Engagement
School of Rock
The Score
Serendipity
Shanghai Noon
Shanghai Knights
The Shawshank Redemption
Showtime
Short Circuit
Shrek
Shrek 2
Simon Birch
Sleeping Beauty
Sneakers
Spaceballs
Speed
Spiderman
Stand & Deliver
Star Wars Episode 1
Star Wars Episode 2
Star Wars Episode 4
Star Wars Episode 5
Star Wars Episode 6
Star Wars: Droids
Star Wars: Ewoks
Star Wars: Caravan of Courage / The Battle for Endor
Suburban Commando
Third Day: Come Together Tour
Trading Places
The Three Amigos
Three Kings
Tommy Boy
Turner & Hooch
The Truman Show
Twins
UHF
U.S. Marshals
Veggie Tales: Holiday Double Feature
The Village
The Whole Nine Yards
The Waterboy
Weekend at Bernies
The X-Men Collection (1 and 2)
The Sixth Sense
Unbreakable
Signs
The Hunt for Red October
Patriot Games
Clear and Present Danger
The Sum of All Fears
Cool Runnings
Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail
Walt Disney: On the Front Lines
The Terminal
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Robots
Tombstone
Hercules
Back to the Future
Back to the Future 2
Back to the Future 3
Radio
Black Sheep
Secondhand Lions
The Last Castle
The Majestic
Toy Story
The Incredibles
The Medallion
The Karate Kid
The Karate Kid 2
The Karate Kid 3
The Next Karate Kid
Zoolander
Alias Seasons 1-3
Simpsons Seasons 1-6
Futurama Seasons 1-4
Macgyver Season 1
Father of the Pride Season 1
Alf Season 1
Doogie Howser M.D. Season 1
Home Improvement Seasons 1-2
Dilbert Seasons 1-2
The Critic Seasons 1-2
Harvey Birdman, Attourney-at-Law Season 1
Star Wars: Clone Wars Volume 1
Quantum Leap Season 1
Often when I feel lonely or otherwise depressed, I go shopping, usually looking at movies. Does my melancholy show?
Remember: some of these I received as gifts. But as I have no kids, no wife, and no girlfriends, these are for my enjoyment alone.
A Christmas Story
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Air Force One
Aladdin
Alice in Wonderland
Along Came Polly
America's Sweethearts
Analyze This
Apollo 13
And Now For Something Completely Different
Bandits
Be Cool
Better Off Dead
Beverly Hills Ninja
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
Black Hawk Down
Brewster's Millions
Bridge on the River Kwai
Broken Arrow
Big
Bruce Almighty
A Bug's Life
Castaway
The Count of Monte Cristo
The Cross and the Switchblade
Encino Man
Envy
Dodgeball
Down Periscope
The Road to El Dorado
Evolution
Farenhype 911
Finding Forrester
The Fighting Temptations
Finding Nemo
Jackie Chan's First Strike
Forrest Gump
Fraggle Rock: Where it all Began
The Fugitive
Galaxy Quest
George of the Jungle
Get Shorty
Gladiator
Good Will Hunting
The Green Mile
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hidalgo
High Fidelity
History of the World Part 1
Hitch
King Arthur
The Hobbit
Hook
Hot Shots Part Deux
The In-Laws
Iron Will
The Italian Job
John Q
Kangaroo Jack
Kindergarten Cop
A Knight's Tale
The Last Samurai
The Last Starfighter
Liar Liar
Lilo & Stitch
The Lion King
Little Big League
Little Monsters
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Extended Edition
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Extended Edition
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Extended Edition
Creating the Lord of the Rings Symphony
The Lord of the Rings (Cartoon Version)
The Love Bug
(Master and Commander)
The Matrix
The Matrix: Reloaded
The Matrix: Revolutions
McHale's Navy
Meet the Parents
Men in Black
MIB II
Men of Honor
Miracle
Monster's Inc
Mr. Nanny
Mr. Nice Guy
The Mummy Returns
Mulan
The Musketeer
My Fellow Americans
The Negotiator
Never Ending Story
O Brother Where Art Thou
Office Space
Ocean's Eleven
Ocean's Twelve
Open Range
The Passion of the Christ
The Patriot
Pirates of the Carribean
Planet of the Apes
Rat Race
Red Dawn
(Remember the Titans)
Road to Perdition
Robin Hood
Schindler's List
Robin Williams: Live on Broadway
Ronin
Rules of Engagement
School of Rock
The Score
Serendipity
Shanghai Noon
Shanghai Knights
The Shawshank Redemption
Showtime
Short Circuit
Shrek
Shrek 2
Simon Birch
Sleeping Beauty
Sneakers
Spaceballs
Speed
Spiderman
Stand & Deliver
Star Wars Episode 1
Star Wars Episode 2
Star Wars Episode 4
Star Wars Episode 5
Star Wars Episode 6
Star Wars: Droids
Star Wars: Ewoks
Star Wars: Caravan of Courage / The Battle for Endor
Suburban Commando
Third Day: Come Together Tour
Trading Places
The Three Amigos
Three Kings
Tommy Boy
Turner & Hooch
The Truman Show
Twins
UHF
U.S. Marshals
Veggie Tales: Holiday Double Feature
The Village
The Whole Nine Yards
The Waterboy
Weekend at Bernies
The X-Men Collection (1 and 2)
The Sixth Sense
Unbreakable
Signs
The Hunt for Red October
Patriot Games
Clear and Present Danger
The Sum of All Fears
Cool Runnings
Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail
Walt Disney: On the Front Lines
The Terminal
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Robots
Tombstone
Hercules
Back to the Future
Back to the Future 2
Back to the Future 3
Radio
Black Sheep
Secondhand Lions
The Last Castle
The Majestic
Toy Story
The Incredibles
The Medallion
The Karate Kid
The Karate Kid 2
The Karate Kid 3
The Next Karate Kid
Zoolander
Alias Seasons 1-3
Simpsons Seasons 1-6
Futurama Seasons 1-4
Macgyver Season 1
Father of the Pride Season 1
Alf Season 1
Doogie Howser M.D. Season 1
Home Improvement Seasons 1-2
Dilbert Seasons 1-2
The Critic Seasons 1-2
Harvey Birdman, Attourney-at-Law Season 1
Star Wars: Clone Wars Volume 1
Quantum Leap Season 1
Often when I feel lonely or otherwise depressed, I go shopping, usually looking at movies. Does my melancholy show?
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