Christmastime is Here

And, fortunately, if only for my sanity, Christmastime has gone. Not that it was a bad year, given that my visions of absolute despair and ruin did not in fact come to pass.

The plays at church went well. Small glitches here and there, but I'd say that from both a techie and performance standpoint, they were better than in the past. The mad rush of rehersals is done, the anxiety of the performances is past, and life moves forward from here.

I got up the nerve to call the girl I've been interested in for a while (though only after losing the nerve to call in person). That she didn't scream in terror at the time or make any obvious attempt to avoid me is a good thing. Alas, she was busy and I missed a chance to talk to her today (as I had intended to) as a follow-up ("How was your week, did the things you were doing last weekend get accomplished? [miscellaneous small talk from here]). Disappointed? Sure. But overall, I've had much worse experiences trying to talk to women. I can come away feeling that all is not lost. At least, not yet.

The projectors (or, as it turned out a projector and possibly the computer's video card) died in the midst of our Christmas Morning service. That's more troubleshooting work this week, probably Wednesday and/or Thursday night. But I'm in some ways glad that it was today, because I became noticeably dirty getting the projectors down to examine them, and I didn't feel the ned to stay pristine in order to talk to her later.

Finally, I got what I wanted for Christmas. A couple cheap movies, a pair of slippers, and a llama donated to a family in need in South America. I brought home nothing expensive, and I spent the holidays unconcerned with the things I was about to receive.

After the pressures o the season left me rather ragged, and muttering the occasional "Bah, humbug" under my breath, in the end I think I can honestly wish everyone "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

Interesting Blog Entry

http://posterchildforgrace.blogspot.com/2005/12/god-make-me-more-like-joseph.html

Lyrics

Lest my loyal readers sense nothing but fear and dread in my spirit of late (mostly, but not completely right), I offer something that has helped in the midst of great uncertainty:

"Jesus, I Lift my Eyes" by Jars of Clay, Redemption Songs

When sins and fears prevailing rise
And fainting hope almost expires
Jesus to Thee I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires
Are you not mine, my living Lord
And can my hope, my comfort die
Fixed on the everlasting word
That word which built the earth and sky

Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires
Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I lift my eyes

Here let my faith unshaken dwell
Immovable the promise stands
Not all the powers of earth or hell
Can e're dissolve the sacred bands

Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires
Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I lift my eyes

Here oh my soul
Thy trust repose
If Jesus is forever mine
Not death itself that last of foes
Can break a union so divine

Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires
Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires

Jars of Clay (Check out the music in the bottom-left corner, should you care to listen)

Antisocial

Please forgive me if I seem rather distant for the immediate future. I have yet to know for sure how she has taken my invitation to go ice skating, but I have no confidence remaining at this point. A week to think about it has been plenty of time to consider how every other girl I've expressed an interest in has reacted, and there's nothing encouraging there. It started the moment she said she couldn't go. Had I some reserve of confidence at that point, I suppose I'd have tried to continue the conversation, if only to be careful to guard how that news really hit me, but looking back, I ended the conversation pretty hastily.

A week also gave me time to reflect on the words that helped give me the confidence to call her in the first place. Normally, I don't believe such things. Dreams don't come true, and at least initially, what you look like on the outside is at least as important, if not much more so, than who you are on the inside. As a veteran "nice guy," I can say that the "it's who you are on the inside that matters" crowd probably has the luxury of being at least passably attractive. I'm not saying they are lying, just probably deluded. But I allowed myself to believe that it might be true. Now it's like those words were a crystal cup holding what confidence I could muster, now shattered and empty, leaving shards of failed hope embedded inside me.

What's left? On Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, I see four possible outcomes. One, she avoids going to the services she had initially planned on attending. Interpretation: she's avoiding me. This is a likely and painful result. Being avoided says "the thought of you asking me out is so repugnant that even seeing you at church will make me incredibly uncomfortable." Two, she shows up, but I don't talk to her at all or have any basis to judge how she responds. Possible, but I do intend to try and be friendly so I can see where she stands, so not likely. Three, she is there, and we interact, and it is clear that she is uncomfortable talking to me. Still painful, because it would be the final rejection. Less painful than the first possibility because at least she isn't running and hiding, just uninterested. Four, she goes, we interact, and her reaction is either neutral or positive. Highly unlikely, but I admit that I don't know the future. It could happen, I'm just ocnvinced it won't.

In the meantime, I'll probably stay in bed most of the day. I took it off, even though I already knew she would be too busy to do something with me because I knew I'd be brooding all day. I'd much rather be able to do so in private. I'll probably mark the time with what I had intended to do all day if things went the way I'd hoped (this is when I intended to get ready, this is when I would have left to pick her up, this is when we'd be skating, this is when we'd hit a coffee shop for something warm to drink afterwards, this is when I'd drop her off and thank her for a wonderful day).

I just remembered Valentine's day is coming up reasonably soon. I suppose I won't be sending her flowers this year. I did so twice in the past, anonymously, hoping to encourage her and let her know she's special on a day when singles can easily feel anything but. Bad idea? Probably, and I don't need you to tell me so. It's amazing how something that seems so romantic in a movie seems like such a bad idea in real life. After the first time, I overheard her asking a friend who could have sent them. A lady from the church? Another girl her age? "It must have been a guy," she concluded. I sometimes wonder if she ever got close to the truth.

Does it Matter?

I wonder: do girls know how gut-wrenchingly difficult it can be to approach them? Does it matter that a guy tries dialing her number 5 times, only to clear it instead of putting the call through before finally getting the nerve and hitting "Talk" (and promptly fighting the urge to hang up as soon as he hears dial tone and realizes the call is about to go through?

Does it matter that he's feeling physically ill with nervousness, that he paces about the house trying to get up the nerve to talk to her, that his palms go cold and he's trying desperately hard to breate normally so he doesn't sound like an idiot gasping for breath into the phone?

Does it matter that trying to approach someone you so admire feels like jumping from a plane hoping you can learn to fly - impossible, but oh so sweet if it works? That hearing the phone ring, and knowing that the phone was ringing in her her house was full of that no-going-back-now fear? That hearing her voice on the other end of the phone made the rest of the world go silent? That stumbling through an invitation to go ice skating is hard to do when your heart has suddenly stopped beating? That hearing that she had other plans deflated him like a worn-out parade float?

Or in the end, is it just an inconvinience? A possibly flattering but otherwise unwelcome intrusion into the evening? An uncomfortable moment to be dismissively laughed about among friends later? A sweet,if simple, thought like an old friend sending you a letter?

Having to let someone down is hard. I've been there (believe it or not), and envy no one who has to do it. Asking, not knowing whether such a let down awaits you is infinitely harder.

End of the World?

Hardly. When talking to a girl, and getting neither a firm yes or no when inviting her to go do something, it can be hard to know just what to think. So you'll probably see me fluctuate between tentative, if reserved hope and abject frustration over the next few weeks.

You are forewarned (ominous background sounds go here).

8 days

Last week, I thought I saw her with another guy. That hurt bad. Then I learned I was wrong, told that if it affected me the way it did, I should express it. I admit, I allowed more hope in my heart this past week than I had in a while. It seemed like the time was right for things to change.

In the end, the best part of the affair was that I lost the nerve to ask in person. I managed to be pleasant and polite on the phone, however brief the conversation was. Whatever the record for akward pauses on the phone was in under 2 minutes, I think the record was shattered tonight.

How ironic is it that one reason she's too busy is that she's handing out toys to sick children with her family (I think... I was losing focus by then). What sort of horrible person could fault someone for that? I don't even get an excuse that allows me a chance to get all upset about it without feeling like a Scrooge.

By the numbers:
4 - years I've had a crush on her
8 - days I spent in the last attempt to strike up the nerve to ask her to go do something with me
2 - minutes it took for it all to come crashing back down to sqaure 1.

She was, to her credit, as kind about the way she let me down as anyone could be. I hope that the guy that finds her not too busy realizes just how special she is.

Thesaurus Addition

Another phrase for the "you're a nice guy but..." Thesaurus:

Logistics: Having to do with the allotment of scarce resources, eg, time. As in:
"...logistically, I don't know if I can." Girl's response to an invitation to go ice skating, during an admittedly busy time of the year. Synonym: "I'm just really busy." Antonym: "I'd love to."

Bravery

Sam asking Rosie Cotton to marry him is recounted by Frodo as "the bravest thing he ever did," and this was after going into Mordor, single-handedly rescuing Frodo from the orcs, and fighting Shelob.

I'd have to agree. Trying to get up the nerve to ask for a date is hard enough. I think you could put a blender in my stomach, ice in my hands, a watermelon in my mouth, a kangaroo on my chest and give me the voice box of a boy hitting puberty and you'd know about how I feel.

There is, alas, no backing down. Despite the dread fear I know it is something I have to do, for good or ill. I've never quite got up the nerve before. I always lose heart and shoot off an ill-advised e-mail, but no more. It must be face-to-face.

Without the encouragement of a friend, I don't think I'd ever do it. I read what he wrote after we spoke about it on a daily basis, because I feel myself losing heart on... a daily basis. I appreciate that he's given me a nudge in the right direction while not forcing me to do anything, and offered advice and assistance as needed, which even if I don't avail myself of it lets me know he really is behind me on it, and that is greatly appreciated.

What should I wear? How should I initiate the conversation? When do I remember to breathe? How do I avoid wringing my hands, or staring at my feet? How do I remember to blink and not stare her down? When's the best time to do it? What do I say if she declines? If the answer is noncommital, how hard do I push? What in the world do I say if she agrees?

Ten thousand questions fly through my mind every instant, with each possibility spawning ten thousand more. At least with the spider, you have two basic goals: kill it, and don't die. There is not much nuance to try to determine there.

Anyone have a monster to be slain, or an evil artifact to be destroyed? A great quest, perhaps? I could use the warm up. God, help me.

More Useful Link

I still don't want anything for Christmas, at least nothing you can buy in a store (despite the admittedly tempting Duck Tales and Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers DVDs that were recently released). I still prefer that people inclined to spend money on me during this season to give it to charity. They are welcome to take time to consider the things that matter to me (homelessness and hungry folks) and make donations appropriately.

I found this site, which ranks charities and nonprofits by their efficiency with donated money. I find it interesting to see how much the CEO makes, how much money is spent fundraising, and the like. Y ou can also look up regional charities, which led me to The Shade Tree, a full-time shelter for women and children escaping abuse or just trying to get off the streets. Not only are they very efficient with their money, serving a worthy cause, and regional (well, Vegas, but I can't really hold that against them), but the chief administrator makes less than $70K per year.

I have found that it is surprisingly difficult to ask people not to give me presents. Most people seem to think that I'm crazy. And I know that people like to give gifts. I just always wish that Christmas was about more than what I'm about to get. I still get giddy like a child and unable to sleep the night before, and that's okay. But It distracts me from more important things, and I'd like to avoid that.