Release

The past couple of days have been better for me. Not good, really, by any stretch of the imagination, but when you're as down as I've been, there is significant wiggle room between that place and good.

I think the biggest part is knowing that I need to find a new church. Not just, or even mostly to avoid a certain girl (though I can't say that isn't a factor), but mostly to find a group of Christians to hang out with. I've been lonely, not just because I'm single, but because I haven't hung out with anyone but my roommate and our collective friends in several months. The last group thing I participated in was going with a group of people to see the midnight release of Narnia in the movie theaters. Since then... nothing. I had a standing invitation to a Super Bowl Party, which I did not accept because of things that transpired just before. There was a potential trip to Yosemite that was snowed out. A guy invited me to a game night, another to his Bible Study, another to go have lunch. Since mid-December, that's it (excluding "give me a call sometime and we'll do stuff").

I know that part of the reason I hope to meet a girl is to improve my social life. It is a less than pleasant thing to know that people are regularly getting together to do things you'd love to participate in, but no one thinks to invite you. I had hoped that recently it was because I had been staying away from church that no one said anything, but it continued when I returned. And I understand that the situation with her might make things akward, but without the chance to be friendly in social situations and smooth everything over, how can that ever change? And I know that I'm hardly the most outgoing "hey, let's go and do stuff" person. But that is in large part because when I try, no one except my most doggedly loyal friends show up... and even then, only some of them. I want to watch movies, play games, go on road trips, and do all of the things that people do to have fun. It's even why I joined MySpace - I had heard that people made plans and got together to do things through it, so I looked to participate... not that it's been a rousing success.

But neither do I want to stomp around and demand to be seen. I don't want to whine my way into hanging out with people, because then I will wonder why I was "really" invited. I'll allow that there may be well-considered reasons for this, because I don't know everything. That does not, however, make being on the outside looking in any more agreeable.

I had talked about changing churches before, and this was a large part of the reason why. The past several years, I've felt disconnected in this way from my peers at my church for a variety of reasons. To tell the truth, I haven't really felt connected since shortly after I graduated from college.

So I'm really looking for someplace else to meet new friends. It's not that I don't like the ones I have - it's just that I'm not willing to bank my need for social companionship on waiting to be invited to hang out with them. At least with a new church, I benefit from the "make-the-new-guy-feel-welcome" effect.

When I realized that this week, I felt better. It was amazing to me how much of the angst I've been feeling wasn't just "no-girlfriend" lonely, but just "no-fellowship" lonely. Simply the hope of changing the latter, and knowing what I had to do to pursue it, gave me something to look forward to.

Is it any surprise, then, that the first church I plan to visit is one that I have some minor doctrinal differences with but is also one where I have been made to feel very welcome each of the few times I've done things with their 18-20somethings in the past? Can I say how nice it was when, running into one of them while helping my friends who go there move, I received not "Hey, I sort of recognize you. Have we met?" but "Hi, Dave! How have you been doing?"