What, if anything, can we count on God for? Is there any concrete thing we can expect God to do in response to prayer? From a mountain hurling itself into the sea, to the dead living again, to... what?
It was the college group's summer retreat. It was probably the summer of 1998, maybe 1999. I was pretty depressed concerning a girl I had been very close to who had in the prior couple months letting me know in no uncertain terms that she wanted nothing to do with me "like that." I believe by this point she had said that one reason was that I was just "too innocent." But I digress.
We were at Antelope Lake in California. I was actually baptizing my best friend (I dropped him, and proceeded to fall in as well). For trivia's sake, I believe another girl who would break my heart in early 2006 was baptized the same weekend. I noticed her even then, though I cannot honestly say I had a crush on her at the time.
I confessed to him that I wasn't sure if God was there in any way that mattered. I knew He existed, but in a way that I couldn't percieve. A concept I had relied upon throughout the lonliness of a single life in Junior High, High School, and the beginning of college had been recently shattered, never to recover (that if I could just get close enough to a girl to let her see who I was inside, if she could appreciate that, then I'd have a chance to pursue romance -- and to this day I regard the "It's who you are on the inside that matters" argument/story/plot as cruel lies that only spawn false hopes). I wanted to believe, but wasn't sure I could.
I went on a solitary walk, praying, weeping, pleading for God to... help in ways I couldn;t begin to express. I laid bare my soul to God. On an impulse, I lay prostrate in the middle of the road (though a long, straight segment on a road that had seen no cars in hours, where if one came I'd nevertheless have time to make myself not a speedbump). I thought I felt the ground trrembling, with rhythmic waves that I could feel moving from my hands through my legs. Vague impressions about the presence of God shaking the foundations of the earth sprung to mind.
"This is it!" I thought. I had my sign, God was there and cared. I was happy. All the other crap in my life fell by the wayside. I told people about my experience, and was on cloud nine. I was sure there had been some slight earthquake, barely perceptible, but enough for a man lying on the ground to notice. As I talked to people after returning to camp, I asked if they had felt the earthquake. None had. This bothered me slightly, but I was willing to allow that it could have been missed. I returned home, and checked the seismograph through the UNR Geology department, which reports even imperceptible tremors. Nothing.
Some time later, I was lying on the floor at my parent's house, watching TV, when I felt the same rhythmic waves. The thing was, they kept going, and if I altered my bodily position, they moved with me. There was no miracle. What I felt was (I think) the flowing of blood through my arteries, else some trick of the mind. As I lie in my bed, I can generate the exact same sensation at will, moving any direction I so desire.
I won't say that this false miracle started me on the road to unbelief, that would be an exaggeration, though it remains an ominous question in my mind. But in the current angst I feel, as I again plead for relief from the pain, comfort in my affliction, or even (though no longer without any expectation of an answer) for a "suitable helper" such as seems to be provided innumerable times in the Scriptures (Even Joseph, who was banished to a far off land and endured seemingly countless years of seeming abandonment by God and Job (though she could hardly be considered a great encouragment by her recorded words) were allowed that much), I find myself flashing back to that moment.
When I thought God had answered, it was instead my own desperate mind inserting an answer where none existed. When between August and December of last year I prayed for guidance, not knowing which direction to pursue, hoping for some sign as to the proper course, willing to abandon the pursuit of the one thing in all the world I wanted if needed; upon recieving what seemed to be clear direction... I acted on it. And with hardly a second thought, was once again soundly rejected. Not worth even a chance at a relationship. So undesireable that she was certain without a single date that there was absolutely no way she could possibly be interested in me "like that."
There's a scene in Office Space where the title character describes each day as being worse than the one before, making each day the worst day of his life. That has been the past 2 or 3 weeks for me. Hurt, confused, lonely, isolated. Begging for relief, a balm, a repreive... something. But the heavens stay silent. Or rather, God stays silent.
Is there anything concrete we can depend on God for? Any reason to pray expecting an answer? I have a conclusion to this thought, but have run out of time. In the meantime, pray for me if you think it does any good, or just write me and say hi. Of the two, the latter would be much more encouraging.
3 comments:
"Hi". I love the movie Office Space. My favorite quote is:
Peter Gibbons: "You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?"
Bob Slydell: "Oh yeah, we're bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal."
Bob Porter: "Standard operating procedure."
Peter Gibbons: "Do they know this yet?"
Bob Slydell: "No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week."
Hey, you could give me a call anytime and we could watch it. Hang in there friend.
Maybe too much of my current perspective on dating comes from my own (somewhat) similar past experiences. I am so anti-dating at this point in my life that an argumentative defensiveness seems to rise up in me anytime someone around me even mentions the subject of dating or marriage. I do believe that some of that does sincerely come from a genuine belief that our culture, especially within the church, focuses far too much on dating. It sometimes seems to me to be the be-all and end-all, the great prize toward which we are all expected to be striving. Part of my distaste for that surely comes from the fact that I have never had a successful relationship, either (or an unsuccessful one, really)... But part of my distaste I am sure comes from the fact that I HAVE grown to enjoy my life "in spite of" (I would like to think "because of") the fact that I am single.
I was telling my friend who was in town just the other day that I always thought I'd be married by the time I was 20 - a thought that I now find simultaneously amusing and horrifying. I went on to say that I am unthinkably glad my assumption was wrong, because I realize now that I may very well have never gotten to know myself had that happened.
From my observance, it seems that most people involved in dating relationships tend to suppress some if not all of their own identity as they wrap themselves in the identity of the other person, or in the identity of the relationship. I realize that once a couple gets to the point of marriage, this is probably necessary to a degree. But I believe that WAY too many people miss out on knowing who THEY really are as an individual, because people begin at such young ages these days to wrap themselves in relationships.
I am SO thankful that God never allowed any of the relationships I wanted so badly to develop, and I am equally glad for the seasons in my life in which I have experienced acute feelings of loneliness. Because I would have been one of those people who was completely wrapped up in someone else. I highly doubt I ever would have discovered my love for things like Scottish culture or U2. I may have been somewhat keen to these things anyway, but as it stands these (among other) things have played a HUGE part in my life over the past few years. And it's not just these things in and of themselves, it is the experiences that my love of these things has led me to. Some of the experiences I've had as a result of my love for these things have been huge turning points in my life and in my faith. Even if I wasn't aware of it at the time, I can look back and point to critical moments where God began directing me toward a new place in life.
I wouldn't trade those moments and those experiences for anything.
It's not that I believe it would have been impossible for me to be at the place I'm at in life right now if I'd had relationships in the past (although I do highly doubt that would have been the case), but I guess the thing is, in spite of the fact that my life has turned out so differently at this point than what I had ever expected or planned or hoped for, I look back and see so many wonderful things that I just wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm reading a book right now called "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne, and first I've gotta say it is one of the most amazing, challenging books I've ever read, but in the chapter I was on a couple days ago, he is talking about people who have decided to remain single for the purpose of serving God's kingdom. He mentions several examples, including Rich Mullins, Mother Teresa, and - hello - Jesus, and he wonders how different their lives would have been had they decided to pursue marriage. Not bad, he emphasizes, just different.
And that's kind of how I am seeing my life right now being single and being happy to remain that way indefinitely. If I'd had any successful (or even unsuccessful) relationships in the past, I am sure that my life would be different - not bad, just different. I haven't purposed to remain single forever. But for now, I am definitely satisfied with it. And I guess I just wish more people recognized and understood and applauded the good that can come with being single, instead of either glorifying marriage and/or dating, and/or madly pursuing that "ideal." Of course, I have my moments just like anyone else... but overall I wouldn't trade my current place in life for anything. And I just wish more single people realized how much there is for us in the world just as we are, and didn't feel as though they were missing out on life just because they don't have a significant other...
With all that said, I have been where you are before, and I know it sucks. So know that I am thinking of you. And if it helps in the least... we WILL get in a trip to Yosemite before the end of summer.
Perhaps it's different for guys and girls. Part of my issue is that in trying to "take the initiative" and fufill that role that we assign to men, I invest myself in it. It's just who I am.
I was angry to the point of trembling and hurt to the point of crying when I was called into the boss's office to discuss my poor on-the-job habits (as they were perceived) at my previous job. Why? Because I felt that my work reflected on me personally, and so for them to be drumming up reasons to give me a hard time was something I took as a personal rejection.
That is but one of many non-romantic things I take too personally. But when it comes to essentially offering your-self to another person, the effect is that much greater. One reason I want a relationship is to... believe that I can.
When I hear of hard times or bad situations in the lives of women I have cared for, I hurt too, but can't be there to try and make it better.
One thing I don't like about being single is feeling disposable to people. I want to matter enough that people care when I'm absent. These things could be remedied without being in a relationship, and I get it to a degree, but generally not from the church. In fact, one reason I'm likely to turn down the infrequent invitation to do something on a Friday night with people from the church is that I honestly believe I'd be missed more by my rommate and the guys I know from high school. Case in point, on no less than six occasions did someone with the ability to do so say it was a shame that I wasn't on the College Group e-mail list, and resolve to fix that immediately. To date? Still not on it. [Disclaimer: I wish I was on not because I'd intend to attend everything, but simply because it's be nice to be invited].
But I don't want to rant on the subject of women in general and my frustrations with them. Those thoughts are well expressed (at least in volume) already. That is, I think, just the most convinient trigger for the deeper questions I have concerning God. It effectively strips away the other layers of argument, defense, and avoidance that I have when addressing the issue.
I have prayed, on my knees and as sincerely as I know how that I would not have this desire for a relationship. But God has not answered. I have alternately prayed for that relationship, for patience until it comes, or some assurance that it would. But God has not answered. I would rather believe that God does not exist, because it seems cruel that He would allow such things, and I know that atrocities on a scale a thousand and more times worse than Dave being single happen in the world regularly. What sort of God is this that we speak of? I know plenty of answers in my head. But I'm experiencing the questions in a more visceral way than ever, and I'm tired of avoiding them with answers I hardly believe.
Post a Comment