I had a pile of interesting things to say here about the big game yesterday. Well, not really. But I was going to say something to demonstrate that I had things to say other than the sole topic I've had for the last 2 months.
But as fortune would swing, that's all out the window. The Super Bowl is one of those occasions that you're supposed to spend with all your friends, and I did in a way. I ended up calling a guy I know who recently moved to Tahoe, and who I have not seen much of recently, to see if I could come up and hang out with him. I did, and a few other people came too. As it ended, it was three married couples, and Dave (who spent most of the time playing with the dogs). I had a standing invitation to a single guy's place here in town, who I knew to be inviting other people my age over. But I avoided it for the same reason I've been away from church the past few weeks.
It's been hard. The next week will be really hard. In the time when I was still thinking things might, just maybe, work out with her thought of things to do. Things which included going to this particular Super Bowl party. Things which included something (though I didn't know what) next Tuesday. I wanted to have ideas with which to follow up on successfully doing something together, so I did not fall into the trap where one thing goes well and then I don't call or talk to her for a month because I have no plans or am unsure how to proceed.
So to spend time I had hoped to be enjoying her company fleeing her presence is tough. But it saves me the akwardness of moping in public. That, I get to reserve for sitting alone in my apartment in the evenings. But at least I don't rain on someone else's parade. I'm sure when I'm social again that she'll be friendly, sweet, and just as uninterested as before. But I am not always good at telling apart "girl willing to acknowledge that I exist" and "girl who could be interested in me." I once spent 2 or 3 years bouncing between repeated rejections and becoming friends again, only to think that maybe this time, it will be different. I have to banish all thoughts of "maybe it will still work out" before I can be in a position to deceive myself.
Because I still wish in a corner of a broken heart that maybe everything will change. I still want to believe the lies I told myself, and would seize on any opportunity, no matter how convoluted, to do so. Forgetfulness, then, requires (1) she hooks up with someone; (2) I hook up with someone, or; (3) I have a serious change of heart (or any combination of the above). I want #3, pray for #3, ask others to pray for #3 for me, and work at it as far as I know how.. #1 is a devastating but effective way of choking off those thoughts, but even then it comes only slowly. #2... even if the opportunity were available, I don't consider myself ready to do that. To try to use one girl to forget another seems dehumanizing to both, and I'd like to believe I have more respect for girls than that. I try to be a gentleman, as best as I know how.
And let me just say that the officiating in that game was terrible. I know I probably could not do as good a job, but I judge them not compared to myself, but compared to their peers, as demonstrated in other games I have seen. Hence "I'd like to see you do better" isn't a vaild retort.
Monday, February 06, 2006
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6 comments:
First of all... LOOK it's my first comment on your blog, woo hoo!!
Secondly... I went to said party on Sunday. I have to admit that I did have a great time, BUT... more than once throughout the day I thought of you, knowing the reason why you weren't there, and I wondered what you were doing instead, since I was sure you knew about the party but didn't feel comfortable going.
I don't like that you automatically have to isolate yourself because of this whole ordeal. I mean, I completely understand wanting to separate yourself from the situation, that's not what I'm talking about. What I don't like is that because "the girl" is a social butterfly who goes to EVERYthing, now you don't feel free to go to ANYthing. It's not right, and it makes me question once again the whole social aspect of church groups.
I'm torn, because, like I said, I had a great time. And I don't think get-togethers in and of themselves are wrong. So I was pondering the solution, and the only thing I could come up with was the same idea I've been going back to for years now: small groups. Rather than having one massive get-together -- as fun as those can be -- maybe we should be having smaller get-togethers.
I heard there was another incident recently at a big group get-together where a newcomer felt out of place and excluded. If she had come to a smaller group setting, with 5-8 people or so, instead of 15-20 (I'm guessing on these figures...), wouldn't it have been easier for her to feel a part of the festivities? I would think so.
Another example-we had fun watching the game Sunday, but afterwards when most people had left, about 10 of us hung around and played games, and that was WAY more fun than when there were tons of people around. If we were hanging out with each other in these smaller groups, instead of every little event turning into a massive thing (for instance, the LOTR marathon in September... I would have preferred a smaller group for that, which is why I gave out individual invitations. But somehow word got around, and it turned out okay, but it just seems like it's difficult to keep things small around here.), I think it would prevent some of the overwhelming-ness for people who are new, and it would enhance relationships by giving people a chance to get to know each other on a more personal level. Maybe the small group thing seems like it would run a higher risk of being exclusive than the big group open-invitation things, but I think if handled well, that could be avoided. And sure, have a massive group get-together once in a while! But how 'bout not every single time?? I don't know...
A few of us who stayed and played games on Sunday talked of getting together again this Friday, and while part of me really wants to, another part of me would rather plan an alternate event so that YOU could come hang out with some folks! I just don't think it's right that you should be excluded from everything because "she" is at everything. And perhaps there are those who would tell you to come anyway and don't worry about it, but I'm not gonna say that because I've been there and I would have wanted to punch someone if they said that to me. :) Anywho, longest comment EVER...
To finish up, I gotta say I totally agree with you on the officiating. I think the officials officially sucked. Maybe I'm a little prejudiced since Cassidy knows Shaun Alexander personally, so of course I was rooting for the Seahawks, but still. :-P
Woo! You avoided calling me a moron, sympathized with my plight, and hit a nail on the head. You should win some sort of prize for that. A big problem with the "corporate" church (where things come from the top down rather than from the bottom up) is that it often results in big groups of people who know each other where (among other things) it's easy to hang with your old buddies and not really reach out to anyone else. And as an outsider, the more you see big clusters of people within the group not inviting you in, the more outside the group you feel.
I've often thought that the big group events happen because no one wants to feel individually excluded. I've known in the past when one person will host something, another person will host another thing, and if there is a general preference for one over the other, the unpopular host feels rejected.
Then again, I also think they happen because in a world where the college group is the "meet" market for people to hook up, you improve your odds for success by having as wide a basin for casting your net as possible.
Or again because there's one or two guys or girls that everyone wants to hook up with. These people go to an event, and draw a crowd.
In all of the above, the tendency is for the group to become polarized. The popular, attractive, or just plain charismatic people flock together, and everyone else goes along with them for whatever reason.
Can it be avoided? I don't know. Once everyone gets married, the atmosphere becomes less charged. It was a very casual affair for me Sunday, and I thank everyone there that at no point did I feel excluded because of "couple-ish" actions. And I have seen a friend's young adult group where everyone was mixed, singles and couples and married folk, and it was usually hard to tell them apart. Even more, they were just plain friendly. After one night, I felt as though they had all known me my whole life.
Perhaps the key is to just be personable. Instead of a massive "hey let's all do this," it's a "hey, I'm having a small get together to do this." People feel valued not as an attendance figure, but as a person. Then again, by singling people out, you always run the risk of someone "getting the wrong idea."
So maybe there should be no plans at all? No gameplan? Is there any good way to do such things? I don't know.
I know I like camping. The past few years I've done it at Boca with small groups of friends, and it's been generally great for it's informality. Of course, she was at all but one of those (raising doubts in my mind about what the plan is for this summer, and yes, such things take a while for me to get over, so summer is hardly out of the question)
But I think the Pink Panther movie is coming out this Friday, among probably many other goings-on. If other people'd like to see that and hang out afterwards, I'd be game. Or, you know, whatever. My most successful event was the Star Wars marathon that left my unchurched friends hiding in another room, salsa flying through the air, and a stack of cooked hamburgers slowly molding in my fridge. To compare my event planning skills to the Titanic would likely be an insult to that ship.
"Jim was extremely wary of women, fearing that they only intended to lure a man from his goals. 'Domesticated males aren't much use for adventure,' he warned me." An excerpt from "Shadow of the Almighty: The Life and Times of Jim Elliot"
Ah, yes, the Star Wars marathon was fun, despite the fact I was there for less than 1/3 of it. (And then slept through about half of that!) :) And I liked that it wasn't a HUGE group there.
I don't know that there is an answer for the whole big vs. small group thing either. There are good and bad aspects of both. I agree with you that the big group things make it easier for people to hang out with their old buddies and possibly prevent them from reaching out to new people....
I keep trying to go on to another paragraph but I end up babbling and getting off onto rabbit (buffalo?) trails and then decide to delete the whole thing. :) lol
All in all, I'm just not a huge fan of the big group activities. (As if I needed to actually state that fact!) And I think adding to the "problem" is the fact that it seems like any sort of small groups that DO happen within the church are all for the purpose of Bible study. And of course, I'm not saying we shouldn't have Bible studies. But, for instance, there's a girl who I've recently become good friends with who I initially started "hanging out with" last summer by going to a Bible study at her apartment. Like I said, nothing wrong with a Bible study, but, at least for me, it's not the place to go to get to know people. We didn't have too much contact for several months following the Bible study, but recently we've just been hanging out casually, and in THAT setting I've finally been able to get to know her as a person, and through that we've developed a good friendship. I just don't think you can develop deep relationships when almost all of your interaction with other people takes place either in the midst of a large group or is centered around a study. Those settings don't cultivate building relationships by getting to know someone.
It has taken me forever to find some friends in Reno who I really feel a connection with, because most of my interaction with people is just surface-y. (And it doesn't help that my church and my workplace are the same, and thus, since I didn't grow up here, church is practically my only place for meeting people!) The people I DO feel like I've connected with (and even now there are only a handful) are those I already knew in Tennessee before they too relocated (like Matthew), and those I've been able to interact with both individually & casually, whether that be through the wonderful world of the internet, or through small, personal, get-togethers.
And maybe this is why I tend to have an aversion to getting wrapped up in church happenings... Those relationship-building opportunities generally don't present themselves during all of our church activities; yet for people who throw themselves into church activities, I would guess the vast majority of their free time is taken up with whatever's going on at/with/for the church. So when do you build relationships?
Hmmm, maybe that's another reason people are flocking to the world wide web! Like you said (in your comment on my last blog), people our age want to be a part of something. But within that, we want to connect with people, too. Not just as acquaintances or buddies, but as companions along life's journey. Or at least that's what I want. I dunno...
But if I keep commenting on here I'm not going to have any fresh writing ideas for my own blog!!! haha...
Moving on: I would like to see Pink Panther at some point, but I'm not sure if I could do this weekend... I guess the game night thing is not going to come about Friday night after all, but one of the gals (the one I spoke of who I've connected with recently! It's Mandy, in case you're wondering.) who was in on that idea wants me to go to dinner with her, so I assume she's opted for that instead of game night. Which is fine with me. And Saturday night I'm heading up childcare for the church-sponsored "date night." (That was a fun staff meeting, sitting around while everyone planned that out and then encouraged all staff members to be there... I was like, "Hmmm, can I sign up to do childcare?" haha) But sometime soon, I would definitely be interested in getting a group (a small one, of course) ;) together to see the movie and hang out after. We'll look into it.
All right, I gotta go before I get onto another rabbit trail. :)
Oh dang it, two more things:
1. I like the quote Dawson shared and think it is (or at least can be) very, very true.
2. Your idea of college being the "meet" market. I think you're right, and I HATE that. Sometimes, especially lately, I think that I would LOVE it if I and some of my friends who are single would just all stay that way, and then we could all just hang out and be friends for the rest of our lives, having fun & crazy "shindigs" and finding ways to play our part together in the crises going on around the world... Sometimes I just think marriage, and the excessive (obsessive?) desire for it, is nothing but a big fat distraction from the bigger picture...
So maybe I'll just transfer these thoughts over to MySpace for my next blog. ;)
http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic
This URL will be vaild today and (probably) tomorrow. After that, you'd have to look through the archives. Given that I was talking about the Super Bowl (at least, sort of), I thought it funny.
There's some profanity. I don't find it offensive. If you do, don't read it, okay?
Aside from basketball, my schedule remains open. Plan something, sometime. If I can make it, I will. If not, I do see a lot of movies with my buddies, so it's hardly a huge loss.
I do think that Bible-study-as-social-group has things to reccommend it, and problems with it. I do think it can be very mechanical, very structured, and I think this can often lead to a less-than-social atmosphere. It doesn't have to, but it can.
I hesitate to say that we ought to then say "well, Bible studies ought to have food, and social time, and group prayer time, and, and, and..." Is it a cop out to say that it seems we ought to just be friendly? If there's food, there's food, but you don't need it. If there's group prayer, there's group prayer. But trying to manufacture community seems like trying to take flesh, bone, organs, and muscles, and trying to make a living person by cramming it all into a manequin.
I think there is (and I cannot claim to be anything at all like immune) an obsessive look toward marriage, relationships, romance, etc. I'm not sure it's unique to our group, our church, even our era. I think it's just normal. What it needs is management. If in pursuit of love we become unloving to others, I think it's wrong. Not sin per se, but that it just ought not be that way.
I have said before, and only partially in jest, that arranged marriage is the way to go. Kids, families, companionship and love without wasting 10 years of our lives stressing about finding "the one." Let smarter heads than your own figure it out, and get on with life.
I'm amused by the quote. I'd not be surprised if most everyone thinks the entire opposite sex was put on the earth just to vex them. Marriage just has the effect of focusing this vexation into a single person.
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