Signs

I'm the sort of person that really hates the idea of looking stupid. To myself, or others, I feel like I have to maintain an air of competence in all things. I once tried to rebuild a broken down picnic table. It came together... much worse than when I took it in. I still feel sheepish when I think about it.

At a point when I was more quick to believe things, I looked for divine signs to guide certain steps of my path. At least, that's how I framed it in my mind. What I really wanted were reasons to do what I was going to do anyway. The frustrations born of these experiences have, I hope, sobered me to reading too much into things.

But I cannot quench the looking for such things. When utterly lost and unsure where to go, looking for guidance is a natural result, right? So in my endless saga of frustration with women, there is a song that in recent times has improbably come up repeatedly with respect to the focal point of this frustration. Sometimes, through my actions it was made marginally more likely, but hardly to a point where I feel that I was "manufacturing" signs. The first time I heard the song, I was feeling very discouraged. I'd rate it #3 on my all time worst memories when it comes to women. I had never heard the song before, and the words spoke to me in a way that isn't very common. It is a song of promise, of hope, of things "not always being this way."

I chalk it up mostly to circumstance, but am willing to be grateful for the truth in the song. Later that evening, I hear the same form through a different medium, where it starts to play just as I am driving past something (on a multiple-hour drive, mind you) that threatens to plunge me back into the despair of earlier. Quite literally, the negative association with where I was driving formed in my mind, and the song began playing within 5 seconds. To top it off, a person in the car pointed out the fact that this song was playing, something not done before or since for the remainder of the trip.

Okay, I get the point. Things really won't always be this way. But two coincidences may in fact be just that. However, they did cement in my mind the association of this song with hope. Since then, there have been two improbable events occurring of the same nature (one which I would say happens once every six months, the other once a year or so), again, as this song is playing. There have also been several other more probable events that I could tie in, but then I feel like I am reaching.

What I don't think: I'm not going to take this song as a promise regarding a specific girl. Been there, done that. If everything in the world suddenly aligns such that unfulfilled and eviscerating longings turn into wildest dreams being fufilled, it will make a wonderful antecdote. But I do not want to impute what I want to come true to a promise from God that it will come true, because if it fails, I would use it to turn on God in anger. I want to believe things that are true of God, and I don't trust my judgment on such subjective things.

What I do think: I choose to regard this as what it is. An encouragement, divinely sent, that reminds me of the things I know are true of God. The He is faithful, near to the brokenhearted, one who knows the pain, the hurt, the loneliness and cares. That pain does go in time, and that faithfulness will be rewarded. That He sees the depths of my heart, and offers encouragement in my greatest weakness to show Himself faithful.

I cannot say if a girlfriend, much less a wife is in my future. But this song helps me remember that God is still good. God is still faithful. And God does still care. Of the potential meanings for these signs, this is probably the most valuable.