Not the Same

There are things that happen in your life that seem to change who you are forever. Good or bad, full of joy or pain, moments that affect your outlook, your opinions, maybe even everything that makes you... you.

Maybe these moments don't change you, but reveal who you really were all along. Or maybe you is a very flexible concept, not existing as a sort of Platonic Ideal, but simply a person in time, never what you were before, never sure what you will be.

Recent events have affected me, more than I can say to anyone in large part because I'm not sure of the extent myself. I am different, and I don't even know if the change is good, bad, or morally neutral.

So I ask those of you who know me to be patient. If you see me departing from what you think I should be or do or say, understand that I frankly don't care. But perhaps you won't think that at all. Perhaps I will seem completely the same, or even more "Dave" than ever.

I've tried to fit, to find a place where I belong, and where I feel that in the depths of my being. I play the roles I think might be expected of me, or those that might bring me that feeling. I look for romance to find this feeling - the image of a girl putting her head on my shoulder has always held a particular attraction to me as a close symbol of tender togetherness. I tried my hand at teaching, or participating in leading groups, but they always seemed doomed to failure, too. Even in the sound booth - it's something I enjoy, I think. But I'm not sure of that either. I can do tech things, and enjoy it, but I just don't know.

I leave for Salt Lake City in the morning for a few day's vacation. It has been very trying to get everything squared away, and I won't know if it is all set until I get there. I can't wait for spring. I intend to spend many weekends by myself at Davis Creek Campground, and others in the area. I am alone. I have no reason to believe that will ever change. I don't like it. But I don't intend to let that stop me from doing things, even if it taints them.

Can someone just explain to me why, when I send a general "who's interested in going on a camping/hiking trip to Oroville sometime next month?" bulletin out on MySpace, only one person responds (with an enthusiastic yes, of course). And why was it her? I actually believe I understand the answer (that a. she really likes camping and hiking, and b. she's making an extra effort to "be friends" now that everything is out in the open between us, a thought which is honestly appreciated for what it is). But really. Is God a practical joker?