Nightmares

I had the first nightmare I have had in recent memory last night. For the most part, my dreams when I remember them are rather mundane, treading neither the high nor low points of my emotion. I remember waking up this morning, some vivid scenes still in my mind's eye, and I was sick with fear.

But these were not the nightmares of my youth, with monsters and beings far beyond the realms or mortal man. I remember only one utterly unrealistic things - a ray gun of some sort that was used to wipe a memory clean.

The summary would be that for reasons unknown, somebody took a girl I have stronger than average feelings for, and locked her in a cave of some sort where she had no hope of escape. Then, he/she (I think this changed through the course of the dream) used the memory-wiping gun on themselves to forget all about it. I remember ranting in a yard about how he (by this time) had to remember where this was so I could save her, but the effects of the gun could not be undone.

The thing that stuck with me was that after she was locked in the cave, you could hear her pleading for help. "No! Please - you can't do this! Somebody help! Please!" This imagined sound froze my heart and turned my stomach, even after I woke. I am by nature a rather protective person, and it pains me when I am unable to protect or help those I know are hurting.

The only other really vivid memory I have involves trying to crush some Twinkies - yes, the cream-filled yellow Hostess cakes - in frustration and being unsuccessful in this throwing them against a wall, an image borrowed right out of a Simpsons episode. To this I ascribe no great meaning, except perhaps as a metaphor for futility. "Fool! No one can destroy a Twinkie!"

Futility. Helplessness. The feeling that someone I care about was trapped, hurt, dying, and I could do nothing to save her.

The irony is that I have often asked God to help me forget her - not isolating her and abandoning her as I am at and perhaps beyond the fringes of her worldviw - but surrenerng the feelings I have as I belive she would find them most unwelcome and I find unreciprocated affection quite inconvinient.