I tried. I really did. After learning that a girl I had been interested in was being, shall I say, "intentionally talked to" by a guy she was interested in, I really wanted to become bitter and even angry inside. I wanted to want her to fall for a guy and get hurt and know just how I felt. Mostly, I just wanted to not just get depressed. My typical response in the past has been the oh-so-pointless "If this will make her happy, I want that for her" that leaves me lying in bed at nights trying to figure out how to keep this from repeating again in the future.
I tried. I consciously cultivated a great deal of anger and frustration with God, and allowed that to pour over into the girl as she existed in my mind, preparing to be as cold and jaded as I could. Mostly, I wanted something, anything, other than the despairing "I hope she's happy, even if it means I may never be." Nice guys get hammered in the end, and I'm rather tired of being that nice guy.
And then I saw her. And it was all an illusion. And I didn't want to see her get hurt in the end. And I wanted her to be happy, even if it meant watching one more girl I cared about get married to someone else. It doesn't bring me even a vicarious joy. It hurts. A lot. And unlike in movies, where the hero has to demonstate that he is willing to lose that which he treasures above all else in order to receive it, I know where this road ends, and it is a rather unhappy one for me. Hpelessness. Cynicisim. Frustration.
I desperately wanted to feel something else. Noble or ignoble, I didn't really care. Just not that painful vulnerability. But in the end... Damn. I hate being a nice guy.
4 comments:
So you're not the only person who's noticed some truth to 'nice guys finish last' and that girls are attracted to boys who treat them like dirtI tried to be a jerk, but it was like Americans playing soccer. I could do a decent impression, but I don't know if it was convincing.
But by your own account, you managed a bit better than me. I think I kept up the attitude for... about 34 1/2 hours.
I think about the only place I can be a jerk is RISK. And even there, I can't bring myself to pick on girls who have never played. Which probably explains my dismal record when there are such people playing, compared to when I can freely lay waste to my enemies.
Risk can be a terribly aggressive game at times...that is unless the wind happens to blow all the pieces on the dirt...
Ah, but there is wind (air molecules moving from high pressure to low pressure), and then there is "wind" (another foe about to go down in defeat clearing off the board).
The former is an annoyance, though nenorable, especially when you retreat to a tent and have the wind trying desperately to knock it over on you... or at least right into your face on a regular basis. The latter is just really funny (like "meteor strikes" or "an army of zombies."
4 girls and 1 guy (I felt really sorry for him) have, off the top of my head, benefited from my magnanimosity at Risk, to my detriment. I need to stick to games where I can't help but win: like Settlers of Catan, Trivial Pursuit, or Galactic Battlegrounds.
Post a Comment